


Shallow Breaths

by ChaTianShi



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Body Dysphoria, Childhood Friends, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Internalised Homophobia, Internalised Transphobia, M/M, Trans Female Character, transgirl!Baekhyun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-19 00:16:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5948827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaTianShi/pseuds/ChaTianShi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baekhyun and Chanyeol were inseparable before starting high school, but they've hardly interacted for the last few years and getting to know each other again isn't as easy as it sounds. </p><p>Or, where Chanyeol thinks he might be gay for Baekhyun and Baekhyun isn't even a boy anymore. (And wasn't ever.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and is no way intended to be accurate descriptions of any EXO members and other depicted persons, places, things, or events. They are solely the products of imagination and should be strictly regarded as such.
> 
> **Some heads up before we begin - Baekhyun is a closeted transgender girl in this fic; as such, she is presenting as male for the majority of this story, and so the people around her refer to her with he/him/his pronouns (with the exception of Jongdae). However, within her own mind, she strictly refers to herself with she/her/hers pronouns. 
> 
> If you happen to notice any mistakes, I apologise - swapping between pronouns every chapter is bound to mean there are some stray ones left floating around.
> 
> Also WARNING! There is a lot of discussion and reference to distressing body/gender dysphoria in this fic.

"Don't look." Baekhyun reminded him.

Chanyeol nodded furiously and turned around, staring at the wall of his bedroom with butterflies in his stomach. Baekhyun was in his room for the first time in two years. He was more than nervous, he felt dejected just thinking about it. How had he gotten to this point? What had happened to their relationship and why hadn't he tried to fix it earlier?

As a kid, Baekhyun hadn't been shy at all, he'd been the loudest person Chanyeol knew, and together they'd made the kind of pair that drove adults up the wall. Baekhyun wasn't exactly quiet now, because Chanyeol saw him laughing and joking with his other friends at lunch a lot, and sometimes he couldn't contain his desire to go over and talk to him because it would be weird not to. But maybe it just meant that Baekhyun was quiet with him, and he didn't understand why. He didn't even know when they'd started hanging out with different groups of people, but he'd rationalised that it was a normal part of growing up in high school. There was still an unspoken lost thing between them, where somewhere between starting high school and now, Baekhyun had changed significantly. It had started with when he begun to pay attention to what other people thought. When he'd started caring for what people said about him. It didn't seem so extreme from the outside, he was just taking more notice of the kind of stuff he would laugh off before. Chanyeol hadn't really known what to do back then, so he'd continued to spend his days laughing, hoping that Baekhyun would fall back into their easy understanding that a giggle could cure anything. He hadn't. 

Before Chanyeol could even figure out what caused it, Baekhyun had become someone new. He'd drawn into himself, reluctant to be the centre of attention in any way, disliking their reputation for people who lightened the atmosphere in any room, until eventually, Chanyeol felt like he had to be twice as loud to fill up all the space Baekhyun was leaving behind. At some point, he'd become so loud, it was as if Baekhyun had disappeared all together, and Chanyeol hadn't even heard him leave.

Prior to that, he remembered how Baekhyun had started being really private about himself and his body. Chanyeol could still recall the first time Baekhyun had made him turn around as he got changed at one of their sleepovers. It wasn't as if Chanyeol had a problem with it, it had just been unexpected after sharing everything with him for so long. It was just another thing that Baekhyun left unexplained, another thing that Chanyeol had brushed off, and was now trying so hard to finally understand.

"Okay, I'm done." Baekhyun said, and Chanyeol turned back around to find his friend dressed in a large black and white puppy onesie. 

"Oh my gosh, Baek!" He floundered for a second, unsure how to react. "So cute!" He blurted, clapping his hands, surprised and pleased, a smile breaking over his face. 

Baekhyun looked beyond uncomfortable, hiding his face, and putting one foot on top of the other as he stood there. "You just, you said we don't really have fun sleepovers anymore so I... I don't know, I just thought this might be fun? Kind of like it used to be? If I looked- funny-" He stumbled over his words and Chanyeol's smile faltered. "You know what, it was a dumb idea, I'll just change back, I mean, we're not kids anymore, right? Goodness, I don't know what came over me. I'll just change-"

Chanyeol crossed over to him, his hands a little frantic before he rested them on Baekhyun's shoulders tentatively. "Baek! I really like it, it was a great idea, seriously. I just wish you'd told me earlier because... The only onesie I have is from about three years ago and I'm about two foot taller."

He watched the smirk slowly form on Baekhyun's blotchy pink face and felt his heart lift. "You're wearing it." Baekhyun said firmly, suddenly looking no different from the mischievous little elf Chanyeol had known a few years back.

"Really? Aw, come on..." He fake-protested, just to get Baekhyun to start nudging him in the direction of his wardrobe with resolution. "Fine, fine!"

He undressed without a care, maybe wanting to show Baekhyun how comfortable he still felt around him and was a little disappointed as Baekhyun averted his own eyes without being prompted. Chanyeol only just managed to squeeze into his old giraffe onesie, and couldn't help chuckling at himself as his arms and legs poked out about four inches after the material ended.

The sound made Baekhyun turn around and pause before bursting out laughing. Chanyeol grinned widely, so glad that Baekhyun was being careless with him, even if it had taken so long and it was unlikely to last. He goofily flailed his limbs around a bit and made Baekhyun fall onto the bed, holding his stomach from intense giggling. Chanyeol jumped onto the bed after him, amused by the fact that Baekhyun's onesie swamped him, whilst Chanyeol's was like a second's skin. 

He flopped down next to Baekhyun, grabbing him round the waist and forgetting himself as he squeezed him, suddenly feeling elated. It took him a second to realise Baekhyun had gone silent and tense in his arms, before he let go quickly.

Baekhyun's face and neck were flushed, and he wasn't sure if it was from the laughing or not. "Sorry." He said, sensing that he'd made Baekhyun uncomfortable again and cursing himself internally for spoiling the fun they'd been having. 

Baekhyun shook his head. "It's nothing." But what was nothing? And then he got up gingerly, and crossed over to the other bed.

Chanyeol felt distinctly unhappy, and so pressured to make this a good time for Baekhyun because they hadn't hung out in so long. He worked not to let it show in his face. Baekhyun had finally given him another chance and he couldn't mess it up. "I was thinking we could catch up on some films?" Chanyeol attempted, watching Baekhyun pick at a fraying string on his sleeve as he sat cross-legged.

"Yeah. That sounds good." Baekhyun replied. Chanyeol nodded, standing up and then hesitating. Chanyeol had planned to play the film on his laptop, but if Baekhyun wanted his own space on the other side of the room, he wasn't sure how that would work out. He stumbled around for a moment.

"Just bring it here, Chanyeol." Baekhyun said finally, moving up to one side of his bed and making space for Chanyeol. Chanyeol thought about all the times Baekhyun had slept in that bed; it was supposed to be a temporary camp bed, but Baekhyun had started staying over so often when they were kids, that Chanyeol's parents had just left it there. Now it had been so long since Baekhyun had even come to visit, but Chanyeol still couldn't bring himself to put it away. It felt like finalising something he hadn't wanted to end in the first place.

Chanyeol placed the laptop between them as they made themselves comfortable with pillows and blankets and a distinct space between them. Chanyeol tried not to take it to heart. Baekhyun was just more reserved now, not as touchy as he'd once been, not as comfortable with Chanyeol's overly affectionate nature.  Not as comfortable with Chanyeol in general.

They watched the film he'd picked in relative peace, it was a new Marvel movie and Baekhyun still laughed where Chanyeol expected him too, and still muttered under his breath when someone's choices annoyed him, so that was something. By the time the film ended, their bodies were leaning towards each other, even as Chanyeol pretended not to notice, reluctant to draw attention to it. All he wanted to do was grab Baekhyun's hand where it was resting on the bed, and ask him what he needed to do to go back to way they'd been before, he needed to know how to fix everything.

Baekhyun slumped down then, into the pillow that was dividing them and started humming along to the credits theme. Chanyeol was flooded with a wave of nostalgia. Baekhyun used to sing all the time, had been so excited to join the school choir at the very beginning; but Chanyeol hadn't heard him sing in years. He missed him, and his voice and everything about him, it was so surreal to have him back here again.

He decided to chance it, feeling desperate. "Sing something, Baek." 

Baekhyun stopped humming, just laid there silently, eyes on the screen and mouth slightly open, and Chanyeol felt like punching himself in the face. Now what had he done? Baekhyun was never going to visit him again at this rate. He just didn't know what to do! He hated that something as small as this could make him feel so far away from his best friend, make him feel like he hardly knew him anymore. Both of them were quiet, the credits theme filling up all the space between them with something fake and sad. He suddenly felt so lonely, sitting here on this old bed watching films with his best friend - was he still? - and he knew he was stupidly grinding his teeth in frustration but he couldn't help it. 

"Baekkie." He whispered, the endearment falling from his lips like water, and heard Baekhyun's quick intake of breath beside him. "Please." Chanyeol almost resented remembering a time before things were like this, didn't want to think about how much had changed between them, because he didn't even know how it had happened. "I don't know what to do." He heard his own voice as if someone else was saying the words and he was simply listening to the story unfold. 

Baekhyun sat up then and Chanyeol jumped in surprise, wasn't sure if he could meet Baekhyun's eyes. Then his friend curled a hand around his elbow and linked their arms together. Chanyeol was shocked; it hit him suddenly how little Baekhyun touched him now, how much of their relationship consisted of Baekhyun reacting to Chanyeol and receiving from Chanyeol, and reluctantly enduring Chanyeol when he had to. 

Things were so much worse than he'd thought and he was sure it was his fault, sure he'd hurt Baekhyun in some way and somehow pushed them apart like this. He choked back a sob, hand flying to his mouth to stop the broken little sound before it could come out, but they both heard it. Baekhyun's hand tightened around his upper arm and he resisted the urge he had to turn around and bury himself in Baekhyun's shoulder. When was the last time they'd hugged? He realised with a jolt that he couldn't even remember. They stared at the rolling credits, Chanyeol's eyes flicked over names without reading them.

"Chanyeol, I'm sorry." Baekhyun cleared his throat roughly. "I didn't- I haven't been thinking about how it would affect you, I'm so selfish, I'm sorry."

Chanyeol didn't know what he was talking about but he was scared to ask, to even speak, just grateful that Baekhyun was giving him something after all this time. He thought that maybe if he'd tried harder to understand earlier, back when it first started, maybe they wouldn't be like this. He was tense, seconds away from touching Baekhyun somehow, wanting to hug him so hard, and ask him where he'd been all this time, why he'd left, and why he didn't want Chanyeol to look at him anymore, or to hear him or touch him.

He didn't have to, because moments later, Baekhyun was pulling him round to face him, arranging them into a tentative hug, and he was stunned. "Baekhyun..." It was awkward and nothing like the hugs Chanyeol was used to, and though he didn't want to scare Baekhyun away, he couldn't help but wind his arms around his friend's back and pull him closer. Baekhyun didn't protest and so Chanyeol cautiously hooked his chin over Baekhyun's shoulder. "I've missed you." He ground out. It had to be said.

"I'm sorry." Baekhyun's breath tickled his neck.

"Why...?" He began, not knowing how to phrase it all into one question. Not knowing if he wanted to.

Baekhyun took a long pause and Chanyeol didn't know if it was his own or Baekhyun's heartbeat that he could feel jackhammering through his chest; maybe it was both. "I can't say it." Baekhyun whispered.

Chanyeol squeezed him. "You can tell me anything, you've always been able to." He spoke soothingly. "When did you forget?" Why had he let Baekhyun forget?

Baekhyun didn't reply to him, but in a sick, selfish way, Chanyeol was just happy to hold Baekhyun like this again and be held back. Baekhyun  _was_  still his best friend, even if he didn't hold the same position with Baekhyun. He didn't want them to be like this, and he didn't know when he'd let it get this bad. 

They disentangled after a while and Chanyeol silently put another film on, but this time, Baekhyun laid his head in Chanyeol's lap, and Chanyeol cautiously ran his fingers through Baekhyun's silky black hair, scared to break this spell, this strange dream. It felt exactly like it had a few years back, when they'd just started high school and Chanyeol couldn't shut up about all the after school clubs he wanted to join, the fact that there was a school band, and how many cool people were in his music class. Baekhyun had batted him over the head and said the choir was enough for him, because his older brother had told him how tiring school days got when the assignments started pouring in.

Chanyeol ran his finger over the shell of Baekhyun's ear, unable to focus on the screen in front of him with his friend so close and placid like this. Baekhyun caught him glancing downward for the nth time in ten minutes and Chanyeol was worried for a moment, before he saw the pull at the side of Baekhyun's mouth. He was trying not to smirk and he was failing, so Chanyeol poked him in the cheek and watched him grin; a proper rectangle one. Chanyeol's face felt warm with the pleasure it brought him. 

"I'm not going anywhere." Baekhyun said. "You can watch the film."

"I'd rather watch you." Chanyeol blurted out before he could think about what he was saying. They both coughed awkwardly. "Sorry." Chanyeol said. "Just ignore me."

Baekhyun smiled a little, before turning back to the laptop screen. Chanyeol only glanced down a few times throughout the rest of the film and though he felt like he was being discreet, Baekhyun probably still noticed. Baekhyun was asleep by the time the credits rolled again and Chanyeol knew he wouldn't move until his friend did, resigned to spending as much time with him like this as possible. 

He woke up in the dark, with Baekhyun shuffling around on his lap, the laptop long since turned itself off. Chanyeol gently leant over to place it on the floor. Baekhyun was facing his stomach now, hands clinging to the front of his onesie, attempting to get a grip on the tightly stretched material and mostly just clawing at Chanyeol's stomach. Chanyeol worked on ignoring his stiff back, and stroked a hand over Baekhyun's hair in the dark, listening to his contented hum. 

He continued to stroke him leisurely as Baekhyun started to make random little noises. Chanyeol remembered how he'd snuffle himself to sleep when they were younger and he wondered what Baekhyun was dreaming about, letting his friend nuzzle against his stomach as his fingers massaged the nape of his neck. 

"Yeollie-"

He started at the nickname. "Hm?"

"Don't hate me..."

Chanyeol couldn't tell if he was awake or not, so he cradled his friend closer to him. "I couldn't ever."

"Please don't hate me, Yeol..."

"I don't."

"Please don't..." He continued.

"I won't. Ever!" Chanyeol whispered firmly, not sure Baekhyun could hear him, but just in case.

His best friend was quiet after that, and warm against him, and Chanyeol fell asleep easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i didn't expect to be writing baekyeol but then i read one fic too many and look at where we are
> 
> kind of trying out a chaptered fic? i've got a fair amount written already though.. wish me luck maybe?


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning was rushed and Baekhyun hardly knew what was going on before Chanyeol was telling her they were late for school and dragging her up out of bed, both of them stumbling into the bathroom. She had almost forgotten where she was, the fact that she'd fallen asleep  _on_  Chanyeol, the best friend she'd been gradually avoiding for two years, that he'd broken down in front of her and made her rethink her entire current approach to life. She'd crumbled so easily in his presence, unable to deny how much she wanted things to be the same again, and floored by how  _normal_  she'd felt with him.

Chanyeol directed Baekhyun towards the shower, before putting his full attention on brushing his teeth like a lunatic. Baekhyun was frozen. She couldn't tell Chanyeol to get out of his own bathroom while she took off her clothes, but god, she hated this; her skin was already starting to feel itchy.

"Don't look." She said, quickly, just to make sure. Then she quickly unzipped the onesie before climbing into the shower. She was suddenly incredibly glad she knew Chanyeol's house as well as she did, because it meant she could keep her eyes closed. Turning on the water, she stood under the spray for a few moments, trying to relax and wake up. Then Chanyeol called her from outside, asking if she was okay, and she gave a quick call back. 

Why was Chanyeol being like this? Why was he being so interested and careful and caring after she'd shut him out for so long? All this time she'd imagined him forcing himself into her personal space, imagined him being unable to understand. Was it all her own fault? Had she pushed Chanyeol out to the edge without even realising it? It was so strange. She felt like maybe she'd been waiting for him to give up or demand to know what was going on with her. Force it out of her so that she didn't have to find the courage to tell him.

She searched for the shower gel with her hands, eventually landing on something that smelt like nectarines, like Chanyeol, and squirted it over herself. Now came the bit she wasn't particularly fond of. She rubbed the soap over herself as quickly and efficiently as she could, trying not to picture her body in her mind - the nausea wasn't too bad today - trying to imagine it was someone else's body, anyone else; Chanyeol's maybe. She flushed at that, and shook it from her mind. Then she rinsed herself off, and tentatively called out for Chanyeol, who answered her immediately.

"Can you fetch my uniform? And a towel?" She asked, eyes still closed. "And could you leave them here for me?"

"Yeah, sure!" Chanyeol said, and was back within a minute, telling Baekhyun that all her stuff was on the closest rail and that he'd be downstairs whipping up some breakfast. 

Baekhyun felt a flood of gratefulness and warmth as Chanyeol left the bathroom quickly. She climbed out, hands finding the towel and patting herself down before blindly pulling on her underwear, trousers and shirt. After she was suitably covered, she opened her eyes slowly and went to fix herself up in the mirror. All her clothes were too big for her. She liked them that way because then no one could tell what was underneath, including herself. She didn't like mirrors because she didn't like her reflection, but she was also ingrained with a contradictory determination not to look completely terrible even if she felt it. So generally, she tried to make as much of an effort as she could without completely stressing out.

She tried to only focus on her face, because her face wasn't too bad. In fact, she looked surprisingly well-rested given Chanyeol's rude awakening. Her hair was everywhere though and she ran her fingers through it; she was experimenting with growing it out, and found she couldn't help but feel good as she saw it that it was now hanging just past her ears. After rushing to the bedroom to grab a pair of Chanyeol's socks, as she'd apparently forgotten to bring any, she hurried downstairs where she was greeted with a plate of toast in her face and her favourite apricot jam. 

Watching Chanyeol rush around, still wearing that incredibly tiny orange onesie made her want to laugh and cry. She held back both as he frantically searched through the fridge for her favourite drink, and it made her feel awkwardly cared for. She missed Chanyeol, but she didn't know how to act with him anymore. She couldn't be herself - couldn't tell him yet -couldn't let him know just how much she'd changed from the little kid he'd known before.

She was desperate to talk to Jongdae and tell him about everything that had happened. He'd been pushing her for ages to make things up with Chanyeol and now she'd tried and maybe it hadn't been as bad or as scary as she'd thought. So she was grateful.

She fidgeted in her seat as Chanyeol hurriedly placed her glass of ice tea on the table. It spilled a little, but he hadn't noticed and she didn't tell him. Instead she felt herself smile and caught Chanyeol grinning across from her. He seemed torn between wolfing down his own beans on toast and having this silent smiley moment with her. She looked away first, avoiding his gaze by chugging down her tea and smacking her lips. "Thank you."

Chanyeol looked proud of himself, and she stood up to find her shoes and coat. It almost felt normal, like she'd suddenly jumped back three years to when they'd been excited for morning's together with no one around because Chanyeol's parents were early birds  _and_  workaholics. At least some things stayed the same.

She shrugged on her coat, cracking her neck with satisfaction. 

"Sorry about that." Chanyeol piped up. She looked at him curiously. "It's my fault you fell asleep in such a weird position, your neck probably kills."

"It's not too bad actually. I feel pretty good." She said casually.

"Oh!" He brightened up. "Really? Well, I guess I make a good pillow then!" 

She smiled a little, for no reason, just unable to keep it from her face. Chanyeol's humour was her humour, and his happiness would always be highly contagious to her, especially now, after avoiding it for so long. 

Chanyeol disappeared upstairs to clean himself up and get dressed and Baekhyun stared at the clock in the kitchen, knowing they were going to be late and actually not caring in the slightest.

She regretted that thought as they trudged across the empty courtyard in front of the school. Chanyeol seemed mostly unperturbed, but continued to mutter sheepish apologies to her as they neared the doors. Baekhyun hoped beyond hope that her teacher wasn't in a bad mood, and she wouldn't have to draw too much attention to herself as she shuffled in late. 

Chanyeol rushed off to his class after a tiny, unexpected hug that left her flustered, and she tried to focus on remembering the way to her classroom. Knocking lightly, she waited for someone to let her in, and heaved a great sigh of relief when she saw it was Yixing. 

Yixing had always been exceptionally kind to her, even when it went against the majority, and having him in most of her classes always gave her a small sense of safety, something to look forward to, even if he was blissfully unaware of it. He accompanied her back to their seats and he whispered that he'd covered for her at Jongdae's request. She thanked him quietly and drew a little smiley on the corner of his page for good measure. He flashed his dimple at her before gesturing for them to pay attention to the front.

Baekhyun did, hoping to forget the way that Chanyeol's face had been flushed as he left her. How he'd pulled her in by sliding a hand around her waist like he might do with a  _gir_ -

"Baek!" 

She jumped at the sound of Jongdae's foghorn voice as she and Yixing were walking to their next class. They stopped and waited for him to catch up. She grabbed Jongdae's hand when he arrived and muttered a quick thanks to him for looking out for her, which he responded to with an indulgent wink.

"So how was it?" He questioned lightly, and Baekhyun opened her mouth to respond before remembering Yixing's presence.

"Later." She said quickly, trying not to be too obvious, but Yixing was more observant than most people gave him credit for and he excused himself from their company with a little smile, telling her he'd see her next period. 

Jongdae sent him a parting wink as well, before pulling Baekhyun to the side of the corridor and poking her shoulder incessantly. "So, come on! What happened?"

 "Nothing happened, we just, you know, had a sleepover... It was good."

" _Just had a sleepover_? Baek, you haven't slept over at this guy's house in over two years. Stop making me squeeze it out of you, I know you want to spill, so spill."

Baekhyun sighed, lips quirking up nervously as she spoke. "We sat together and watched movies, and he asked me to sing a song and I wanted to but then nothing came out. He was upset about... everything, I guess. I hugged him, fell asleep on him, and here I am, late."

"Wait, what- What?!"

"We're going to be late to next period."

Jongdae dragged them in the direction of Baekhyun's next class. "You hugged him? You  _slept_  with him?" He hissed.

"Stop making it sound so scandalous. I've slept with you too."

Jongdae snorted. "Yeah, but you don't have a weird, complex backstory with me that may or may not involve romantic feelin- Argh!"

Baekhyun hoped Jongdae would feel that pinch all day because she'd meant it. 

"You're so mean to me. Where are my hugs? Where's poor Jongdae's love and appreciation?" Her friend whined pathetically.

"There's a lifetime supply waiting if you let me reach my class in peace." 

Jongdae grinned his happiest smile. "I'll hold you to that, honey." He drawled.

She made a big show of complaining about Jongdae's antics sometimes, but the truth was that she was lucky to have him around. As the only person who knew and accepted who she really was, sometimes a simple validating word from him was just enough to keep her together. Most of the time, she was exhausted by the effort of hiding, the strength it took not to wince every time someone referred to her as 'he' or 'him' or 'Jongdae's weird boyfriend'. Sometimes she'd start to second guess herself, only to be pulled together by Jongdae asking her if she wanted to go shopping, dragging her through the women's section and pointing out things he thought would look nice on her. She hadn't bought anything yet, but she wanted to, more than anything. It just so happened that the intense body dysphoria she was struggling with at the moment made trying on clothes a bit of a moot point. Jongdae had advised she start with accessories, pushing her to get a new pair of earrings or a bracelet. She was working on it.

Entwining her fingers with Jongdae's, she squeezed once before half-running in the direction of her classroom. She was just on time, and she searched the room for Yixing, only to find him in animated conversation with someone she'd recognise anywhere. Park Chanyeol.

Why was he there? There was no reason for him to have suddenly moved to her English class. Yixing caught her eye and immediately beckoned her over. Chanyeol turned around at the gesture, before giving her an excited wave and Baekhyun felt like she'd been electrocuted. She wasn't prepared. She felt naked and vulnerable and she wanted to walk right back out and grab Jongdae for support. The teacher clapped her hands at the front of the class to signal that they were starting and so Baekhyun forced her legs to move and slide into her usual seat in front of Yixing.

Behind her, Baekhyun refrained from jumping when a little piece of paper was placed on her desk. She opened it and couldn't decide whether to roll her eyes or blush. There was a picture of a big grinning face, but the character had a mop of brown hair and big ears and was holding a balloon that said, "hi Baek!" Clearly, Chanyeol's drawing skills hadn't improved in the last couple of years, and neither, apparently, had his bouncy, messy handwriting. She turned the page over, scribbling a quick, "you're a dork, why are you here?" before holding it out discreetly behind her.

Chanyeol's big hand grabbed it off her and her fingers tingled. She heard him chuckle, his deep voice rolling over her as if she hadn't heard it a million times before. The next paper came back with no elaborate picture, just a, "teacher transferred me - I was 'disrupting the class'," and a sad face. Baekhyun shook her head. She had no classes with Chanyeol anymore, but it wouldn't be a stretch to guess that he was still the class clown. 

She didn't reply again, trying to actually focus on taking in the lesson on grammar rules and constraints. Chanyeol didn't bother her again either, and by the time the bell rang, she'd all but forgotten he was there. He caught up with her as they left the room, Yixing coming along as he usually sat with her and Jongdae at lunch.

"How cool is it that we have a class together now?" Chanyeol said brightly as they headed towards the lunch hall. "Almost like fate." Baekhyun could help but drag her eyes over his profile as he walked next to her. She felt a strange sense of calm in how short she appeared next to him. He was so lanky and large in weird places that it made her feel petite and delicate. She liked it a lot.

"I don't think your previous teacher intended the transfer to be a reward." Yixing said with a smirk.

"What did you even do?" Baekhyun asked, curious.

"Nothing! It's just that I was surrounded by silent people and they made me look loud!" Chanyeol said defensively, throwing his hands up.

Baekhyun gave him the side-eye. "Uh-huh."

He nudged her lightly and she caught herself before she could shove him back. She wasn't ready to brawl with him, couldn't encourage more unexpected touching than she already had. "You didn't get in trouble for being late did you?" He asked, leaning in closer to her.

Noticing her hesitation, Yixing spoke up to her left. "Me and Jongdae covered for him."

Baekhyun nodded. 

"Oh," Chanyeol said, looking between them quickly. "Well, that's good! I'm glad."

Yixing put a finger on her elbow lightly to get her attention, before pointing his head in the direction of Jongdae's waving arm. Baekhyun flashed her eyes to Chanyeol, he didn't usually sit with them; he'd occasionally swagger over to question Baekhyun about her day and whether she wanted to hang out, which she'd made a habit to decline with flimsy excuses. He would laugh it off and maybe clap Jongdae on the back and tell them not to work too hard. He looked at her now, eyes questioning, ready to hang back if she said goodbye to him.

She sucked it up, putting an arm through his and one through Yixing's for good measure, pulling them to Jongdae's table as she watched her shocked friend ahead try to control his expression. Somehow hanging onto both of them stopped her from completely freaking out half way and falling on the ground, so that was good.

Jongdae greeted them all with his best smile and started making conversation easily. She was so relieved as she went to sit next to him, trying to hold back from dropping her head on his shoulder and heaving like she'd just run a marathon.

Yixing sat across from her as Chanyeol sat across from Jongdae. It was strange watching Jongdae and Chanyeol chat with each other, because they got on so well that it made her feel guilty for always turning Chanyeol away. She never really considered the fact that Jongdae and Chanyeol might be good friends if she wasn't there, always making things weird and awkward with her multiple issues. 

Yixing was looking at her with a soft smile and he offered her a grape from his little purple Tupperware box. She took a few, grateful to not have to say anything yet. Jongdae's hand was on her knee, grounding her, as he argued playfully with Chanyeol about Queen's greatest hits, and she felt a rush of affection from her friends who knew her so well, even though sometimes she hardly knew herself. 

When she started to get fidgety, eyeing Jongdae's sandwiches, Chanyeol asked her if she wanted to get food, considering it was partly his fault that they'd had no time to pack lunch that morning. She agreed and left with a squeeze on the knee from Jongdae.

Chanyeol grabbed a strange assortment of foods from the cafeteria, constantly asking whether she liked them and keeping anything she said yes to. He paid for it all because she was too surprised to interrupt him, and they returned to their table with a strange bounty that made Yixing go wide-eyed, and Jongdae open his mouth with an impressed, "wah! Really?"

"You guys can eat whatever." Chanyeol said, but motioned for Baekhyun to pick first.

Jongdae and Yixing shared a glance, and Baekhyun felt a little awkward when they started smirking. Chanyeol, thankfully, either didn't care or didn't notice, and he didn't try to drag her into conversation either, all of them chatting leisurely without pressuring her to speak, but also leaving small moments open for if she wanted to. Why hadn't she invited Chanyeol over before? He seemed to fit in great with her friends and she felt more and more guilty as she thought on it.

There were a few calls of, "Chanyeol!" from behind Baekhyun and she tensed up, swallowing what was left of her red velvet cupcake quickly. Chanyeol's friends, Jongin and...the other tall one, had come to find him. 

"Ditching us now?" The tall one said as he neared their table. His eyes swept over them critically and Baekhyun felt herself shrink into Jongdae's side.

"Jealousy's not pretty, Sehun-ah." Chanyeol grinned at him. "I have other friends, you know." 

"Yeah, we know. You never shut up about your friend over here." Sehun looked at Baekhyun and narrowed his eyes mischievously. "You should've heard him this morning in maths, wah-" He looked at Jongdae. "You'd better keep a close eye on your boytoy, buddy." Baekhyun felt the blood drain from her face.

" _Sehun_." Jongin interrupted, soft but firm.

Baekhyun thought it was high time for her to start sinking through the floor. Jongin and Sehun were staring at her curiously and she felt like she was under a microscope; exposed and disgusting. Jongdae put an arm around her and let his laugh ring out. "Hey, why don't you guys help yourself to this giant hamper. We’re gonna head off." He stood up with Baekhyun. "See you later, Xing. Bye, Chanyeol and Jongin and Chanyeol's other friend!" 

The rest of them chorused back goodbyes, with Sehun grumbling about people not knowing his name, but fortunately didn't ask where her and Jongdae were off to. He took her to the courtyard outside and she held on to him like a limpet, temporarily uncaring of how they looked. Jongdae never minded anyway. 

"Are you okay, Baek, honey?" He said, once they were sitting on the grass, in a patch of shade that came from the giant school willow tree. 

In truth, she was a bundle of nerves; never keen on meeting new people so unexpected like that and certainly not keen on people talking about her relationships. "I- just wasn't prepared, I thought I was used to it all by now, but oh, they must think I'm- They must think I'm so weird. Argh." 

Jongdae drew patterns on her knee. "There are people a lot weirder than you at this school, Baek. They probably just think you're shy. There's nothing wrong with that." He gave her a comforting smile.

She buried her face in her hands. "Jongdae, he called me your  _boytoy-_ What does that even mean?" She felt sick just saying it.

"Hey, try to forget about it. Sehun doesn't mean it that way, you know that. He's trying to dig at Chanyeol, not you or me. He's just jealous that Chanyeol wants to spend time with other people."

Her hands were shaking as she lifted them up to run them through her hair. "I probably look terrible. Urgh, god, why today? Everything's crap, I'm sorry, it's just- Jongdae, this  _sucks_ , and I'm sorry for ruining your lunch break." 

He chuckled at her. "How can it be ruined? I got to meet your long lost childhood friend, and now I'm hanging with you." She flicked his fingers where they sat on her knee. "Plus, you look fine to me, still the prettiest girl I know."

"You're gay, Jongdae, of course I would be."

He spluttered. "Hey! That doesn't mean you can discredit my opinion!"

She grinned at him, some of the tension in her body beginning to dissipate. "You and Chanyeol seemed to get on well." She commented with a little smile.

"We have refreshingly different tastes in music, but he makes up for it by being way more passionate than I am. I feel like reorganising all my playlists..." He trailed off, in thought. "And we also have something very large and important in common."

She frowned. Maybe she should have paid a little more attention to their conversation. "What's that?"

He poked his tongue out at her, laughing musically. " _You_ , you numpty."

"Oh." She felt her face heating up. "Right." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enter the darling of all darlings, kim jongdae


	3. Chapter 3

The first thing Chanyeol did when he got home was compulsively check around the house to see if Baekhyun had left anything behind, looking for an excuse to deliver it back to him, but finding nothing. This Baekhyun was a lot more careful and organised, that's for sure. He fell back onto his bed, chewing on his lip and really feeling in a way about how Jongdae and Baekhyun had left lunch so quickly. He'd scolded Sehun afterwards for being so brash but the younger hadn't really meant to hurt anyone, he just lacked a proper brain-to-mouth filter. 

Chanyeol hoped it hadn't freaked Baekhyun out too badly, the fact that Chanyeol was talking about him behind his back - it wasn't as if he'd said anything bad! Only good things! And maybe some stuff about how he really missed hanging out with him like how they'd used to. Retrospectively, Sehun probably hadn't been the best person to vent to but he'd been the only person there at the time, and Chanyeol had never been great at suppressing emotions, he felt things strongly and fully. 

He bounced his phone between his hands, thinking about calling Baekhyun. What if Baekhyun didn't like phone calls without prior notice? There were a lot of things he didn't know about Baekhyun anymore. He settled on messaging him, just in case, and hoped that Baekhyun hadn't changed his number.

CY:  _hey you're not busy are you? (it's park chanyeol)_

It was a long ten minutes before he finally got a reply and he paused the music he'd been playing through his headphones; Jongdae's recommendations.

BH:  _I still have your number, silly. And I'm just doing homework. Why?_

CY:  _well, i wanted to apologise for the way sehun acted, he's a bit of an idiot when he's around new people, he tries to act 'cool' and stuff, sorry about him (._.)_

The next reply was much quicker.

BH:  _That's okay! I understand. I wasn't upset or anything, I just had to go do something with Dae, don't worry about it._

Chanyeol frowned. As much as he tried not to look into it too much, he couldn't help but notice how close Baekhyun and Jongdae seemed to be. Jongdae seemed like a really cool guy, Chanyeol liked him, but he also seemed like Baekhyun's new best friend, and Chanyeol wondered what Jongdae had that  _he_  hadn't. He looked at the message again, eyes lingering on the cute nickname. Dae. His mind flashed to the previous night where Baekhyun had called him Yeollie in his sleep. He wanted them to be close again, wanted Baekhyun to call  _him_  by cute nicknames and disappear with  _him_  to do who knows what.

CY:  _so_   _i'm thinking of having a party on saturday to celebrate the band's new members_

CY:  _would you want to come?_

He bit his lip. He expected Baekhyun to decline the same way he'd been declining Chanyeol's offers to hang out for years. Something made him ask though, something about the way that Baekhyun had laid his head in Chanyeol's lap after all this time, had let his walls down a little, the way he'd linked his arms through Chanyeol's and invited him to sit at his lunch table, invited him back into his  _life_.

His phone buzzed and he almost dropped it.

BH:  _Can Jongdae come?_

Chanyeol's mouth fell open. Was Baekhyun actually considering it? 

CY:  _of course!! you can bring whoever you want_

CY: _i already invited yixing_

BH:  _Whereabouts?_

CY:  _just_   _my house, nothing fancy (my parents are on holiday this weekend)_

BH:  _What time? Dress code? Do I need to bring a present for the band? Will there be alcohol?_

Chanyeol chuckled a little. Baekhyun was cute even through text.

CY:  _it's not a big thing so don't worry about presents/clothes, just bringing yourself would be like a present to me (^u^)_

Chanyeol wondered if he was overstepping a boundary but he just couldn't help himself. Then he realised he hadn't answered the other questions and started typing quickly 

CY:  _it'll probably start around 7 so come at 8 or something, and yeah there'll be alcohol_

BH:  _Ah...I don't like drunk people._

Chanyeol was in the middle of typing when another message popped up. 

BH:  _Sorry, don't worry, it's fine. I'll just leave early to avoid the drunk ones, if that's okay?_

CY:  _sure! (^-^) though i’m hoping there won’t be many!_

CY:  _also don't feel obligated to stay until a certain time, like if you hate it as soon as you walk in, don't be afraid to leave!_ _（_ _≧_ _∇_ _≦_ _）_ _i promise i won't take it personally_

BH:  _Thanks, I'll keep that in mind._

Chanyeol's heart soared. Baekhyun was actually coming to his party. He could hardly believe it, and yet, here was the proof, in writing.

CY:  _so i guess i'll see_ _you_ _tomorrow in english? (^ω^)_

BH:  _Yeah! Have a good night._

CY:  _Goodnight to you too (^-^)/_

Chanyeol snuggled into his bed with a sigh of delight. Baekhyun was chatting with him again, sleeping over, coming to his house for a party, everything was getting better! 

Chanyeol spent the next few days at school being as careful as he could be, making sure that his friends didn't come over to bother Baekhyun again when he sat at their table, and frequently passing Baekhyun little messages in English class that consisted of songs he was writing or absent little drawings - just cute stuff that Baekhyun seemed to like. It felt so good to be hanging out with him again, even if it hurt a little sometimes when Jongdae and Baekhyun would crack up at an inside joke, and he would laugh along just to keep from feeling left out. 

It was better when Yixing was there, because it stopped him from feeling like a third wheel, and because Jongdae liked to tease Yixing to no end which meant Chanyeol got to talk to Baekhyun a little by himself. Baekhyun was still visibly shy around him, but occasionally he'd say or do something particularly funny and Baekhyun would let his guard down for a few perfect moments and laugh the same way he'd always used to laugh when they were together. Chanyeol made it his goal to encourage these moments out of Baekhyun more and more, and he'd caught Jongdae watching him carefully a few times as he did.

On the day of the party, Chanyeol already knew he was going to be upping his game for the sake of Baekhyun's visit, and he'd told the band to be on their best behaviour. He didn't really expect too much from people like Sehun, but he figured if he made an effort to limit everyone's alcohol intake, then things shouldn't get too out of hand.

He'd removed anything breakable or expensive from all the downstairs rooms and bought a load of disposable plates, cups and cutlery to last them the night. He planned on ordering takeaway and he figured he'd leave them all to decide what they wanted between themselves. 

Chanyeol looked at himself in the mirror, mussing his hair until it looked attractively messy enough. He was wearing a thin batman t-shirt and jeans, but he slid a couple of rings onto his fingers so he didn't look like a complete slob.

The first to arrive was Chanyeol's young neighbour, Kyungsoo, who apparently had no idea there was a party, and just wanted the gardening tools Chanyeol's dad had borrowed from him the week before. Chanyeol fetched them diligently and Kyungsoo went on his way, mumbling about loud music and how he had a degree to pursue.

The second knock at the door was far less anti-climactic than the first, as Jongin and his older brother, Junmyeon, filed in, with Junmyeon instantly pestering Chanyeol about helping with the preparations and Chanyeol telling him to go sit down. Joohyun, Wendy and Seulgi were next, with Junmyeon instantly gravitating over to Joohyun and making an embarrassing effort to find out her favourite drink. Chanyeol got to work as a DJ, slightly hoping to finally charm Wendy into joining the band, but knowing that the third time lucky rule hardly ever worked in real life.

It was nearing 8 o'clock when Sehun showed up with Sooyoung and Yeri, Tao trailing in behind them looking more than a little bit sulky. Chanyeol added a song from one of Tao's favourite Chinese artists to the queue, in the hopes of cheering him up. He made sure to frequently glance over at the array of drinks on the kitchen counter, trying to keep a steady eye on people who were going back for seconds or thirds. 

Each knock at the door made him feel more and more anxious, he didn't know when Baekhyun was going to arrive and his stomach was full of butterflies just thinking about it. The new members of the band arrived, Luhan and Minseok, both lazily nursing a bottle of beer each as they greeted Chanyeol at his little mixing deck. They didn't seem very concerned that the party was technically for them, both holing up in a corner afterwards and chatting between themselves.

At 9 o'clock, Chanyeol started to wonder if Baekhyun was still coming. There were no messages on his phone and he wondered if he should message Baekhyun to check, but then decided that it would be way too clingy and demanding. Jongdae and Yixing still hadn't arrived yet, which meant that they were probably all coming together, or all ditching together, but Chanyeol was praying for the first one. 

Chanyeol had actually decided to only have one small drink after Baekhyun's admittance that he didn't like drunk people, however, he was starting to crave something stronger now just to calm his nerves. The next knock had Chanyeol tensely making his way to the door. 

To his great relief, there stood Jongdae and Yixing, with Baekhyun hiding behind them. "Come in! Come in!" Chanyeol flapped, ushering them into his home before they could change their minds. As he finally got a full look at Baekhyun, he smiled, still a little disbelieving that he'd actually decided to come. He was wearing blue skinny jeans and a large pale pink sweatshirt with a fried egg on it. He looked cuter than ever, and Chanyeol wondered why Baekhyun tended to wear such baggy clothes when he already looked so small. 

"I'm so glad you guys could make it!" He beamed at them, before addressing Baekhyun. "You look great."

Baekhyun looked intensely embarrassed, moving closer to Jongdae, almost imperceptibly, but Chanyeol was getting better at noticing. He mumbled a, "thanks," and Chanyeol nodded happily. 

"Let me introduce you to some of the others?" He questioned, and Jongdae gave Baekhyun a small, encouraging pat on the back before disappearing with Yixing.

"Sure," Baekhyun said, resolutely, Chanyeol could see him visibly steeling himself as he stood there and couldn't help but find it adorable, wanting to drag him into a big ridiculous hug.

He restrained himself, smiling kindly as he offered his hand and noticing his stomach butterflies flare up as Baekhyun tentatively took it. Baekhyun's hand was so soft and small compared to his own, and he suddenly felt like some sort of rough labourer compared to his friend's dainty fingers. 

He introduced two of the elder ones first, hoping they'd be more courteous. "Baekhyun, this is Minseok and Luhan, they're the new members of the band. I know you don't know the band too well, but Luhan's going to be our new main vocalist, and Minseok's our keyboard guy." Chanyeol gestured to Baekhyun. "And this is my childhood friend, Baekhyun, we've been catching up recently."

"The infamous Byun Baekhyun, it's nice to finally meet to you." Minseok said with a little bow, as Luhan chuckled and asked if Baekhyun was going to watch the band perform sometime. It was a valid question, and Chanyeol really wanted to know, he'd just been hoping to ask Baekhyun himself and not put him on the spot like this. Even so, he agreed easily, and Chanyeol had to fight the permanent grin he was wearing before it started to freak people out. 

At some point, after slowly introducing Baekhyun to anyone he didn't know, Baekhyun had left to go find Jongdae and Chanyeol had returned to his deck to spice up the playlist with some EDM. Tipsy Sehun started jamming hard on the arm of the sofa, making Jongin and Yeri crack up around him, and Chanyeol noticed that Tao was gradually working his way through the entire bowl of tortilla chips and salsa dip on the coffee table. 

Letting his eyes roam around the living and dining room, he noticed Baekhyun over at the dining table where he sat in Jongdae's lap, legs hanging from the dining chair, as he spoke lowly into Jongdae's shoulder. Chanyeol felt a hot spike of jealousy. Why were Jongdae and Baekhyun always so close? Agh, he didn't want to have a problem with it, because it was silly and he had no right, but still, he couldn't help how much it pained him seeing them so comfortable around each other and wanting it so badly for himself.

He saw Baekhyun laugh suddenly at something that Jongdae had said, curling into him and covering his face shyly, and Chanyeol fisted his hands tightly at his sides, before going to grab another drink. 

He met Yixing while he was there, who looked pretty buzzed already and with a distinctive hickey under his jaw. He wondered if it had come from one the female admirers that tended to follow him around. None of the people he'd invited seemed like the type though. Then again, neither did Yixing. "You sure worked fast." He commented with raised eyebrows, pointing to Yixing's neck. The dizzy-looking boy just smiled shyly before wiggling his eyebrows at Chanyeol. "How about you and Baekhyun?"

"What about us?"

"You guys are pretty cute around each other."

"You think so?" Chanyeol coughed. "I mean, yeah, and?"

Yixing shrugged. "Nothing, I guess." Then he yawned. "Where'd Jongdae go?"

"Dining table with Baekhyun, apparently attempting to meld into one body." Chanyeol said, unable to keep the bitterness from entering his voice.

Yixing giggled at him. "Ahh, jealousy's not good for the soul." He drawled. "Don't think on it, Chan, don't overthink." And then he'd wobbled his way into the living room. Chanyeol swirled his blue alcopop around in the bottle and felt tired. He kind of wanted everyone to leave so that he could sulk in his room by himself. Instead, he attempted to brighten his own mood with some more high energy songs, and started clapping along with everyone else when Sehun and Seulgi decided to get up and dance. 

After he told everyone to order pizza or whatever they liked, he went to freshen up in the bathroom, not missing Junmyeon grossly slurring to Joohyun that he'd pay for anything she wanted. When he knocked on the door, a flustered Baekhyun popped out. Seeing that he didn't look entirely well, Chanyeol caught his arm before he could excuse himself and hurry away. 

"Hey, Baek... What's wrong? Are you alright?"

Baekhyun was quiet, head down, but Chanyeol had learnt now that sometimes it just took him a while to get out what he wanted to say, so he waited, stroking his thumb across Baekhyun's forearm absently. When Baekhyun looked up at him, he had to catch his breath. So close like this, with Baekhyun's eyes wide and innocent, his tongue licking over his lips nervously, Chanyeol didn't know what he was feeling. 

"I haven't been to a party in a while." Baekhyun finally said.

Chanyeol blinked a few times to clear his head a bit. "Yeah," he smiled. "I figured." Baekhyun's eyes continued to flicker back and forth between Chanyeol and some other interesting point beyond him. Chanyeol stared at him, kind of enraptured, and maybe he was starting to feel the buzz of the alcohol catch up with him, because it was almost like they were in a little bubble together, here just outside the bathroom, with the thumping music from downstairs a comfortable background noise. "So how bad's the party?"

Baekhyun smirked. "Ah, I give it a strong five out of ten."

"Five?! Really? Even with my superior DJ-ing?"

"EDM isn't really my thing." Baekhyun looked amused and Chanyeol thought he was going to split a lip with how hard he was grinning. He tried to tone it down, there was a reason people got wary of him when he was real happy. 

"If you let me know, I can add some music that you like in there. Maybe take this party to a six out of ten, what do you think?"

Baekhyun was shrinking a little under the force of Chanyeol's gaze, but he huffed a laugh. "I wouldn't want to ruin your flow with my sad acoustic tunes."

"That's what you're into? I like that stuff too! I like a lot of different stuff, I mean, not really Jongdae's stuff because that guy's taste is  _weird_ , but yeah, I'll listen to anything really. 

Baekhyun didn't reply, bringing a hand up to run it through his hair quickly and awkwardly look away from Chanyeol again. "Ay... Stop, stop that..."

Chanyeol furrowed his brow, leaning back to give him some space. "Sorry! Stop what?"

Baekhyun flustered himself, biting his lip and acting like he'd bolt away at any moment. "L- Looking at me like that..."

"Like what...?" Chanyeol asked quietly, thinking maybe he  _had_  gone a little overboard with the smiling. 

"Like that! Like you..." A blush was spreading over his cheeks and it looked so sweet on him, Chanyeol felt like touching it. Baekhyun had always been cuter out of the two of them, and it wasn't weird to acknowledge it, right? It wasn't weird to think about how pretty he looked today and especially right now. Wasn't weird to want to touch him because they were best friends, childhood friends, he just cared about him. 

"Like you're checking me out." He said breathlessly.

Chanyeol's mouth dropped open, and something in his stomach clenched. He took a second to collect himself while Baekhyun tried to squirm away. He was stuttering out apologies and Chanyeol had to put a hand on the back of his neck before he'd quieten down, and pull him into his chest.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realise," Chanyeol said sincerely, "there's no reason for you to apologise." 

Baekhyun was blubbering into his shirt. "I didn't mean to say that, Chanyeol, I don't know what I'm doing lately."

"It's okay." Chanyeol said, for lack of anything else. But however calm he acted, he was pretty sure that Baekhyun could feel how fast his heart was beating behind his ribs. Had he been checking Baekhyun out? If so, had he been doing that the entire night? What did it even mean?

Baekhyun hadn't hugged him back yet and so he let his friend go, holding him at arm's length and keeping his face as non-freaky and genuine as he could. "They've probably ordered the food by now." He said. "Do you want to stay for it? 

Baekhyun looked exhausted, and Chanyeol wished he could stop upsetting him and make him happy. "I'll go see what Jongdae wants to do." He mumbled.

Chanyeol ignored the feeling that came with the mention of Jongdae's name, at least  _he_  was better at making Baekhyun feel comfortable. Maybe Chanyeol just wasn't the right person for Baekhyun anymore, too insensitive and ignorant to fit into his life anymore. It made him feel like crap though.

They'd apparently been upstairs for longer than Chanyeol had thought as the others had already started pigging out on a selection of three pizzas and various sides. Chanyeol really hoped his parents hadn't been joking when they'd said he could borrow some money to hang out with his friends. Jongdae and Yixing were eating together at the dining table and Baekhyun went to join them stiffly. Chanyeol decided to eat his feelings with the help of a large slice of pepperoni pizza. Jongin seemed to be hogging a chicken one all to himself and Chanyeol rolled his eyes as Sehun and Seulgi attempted to wrestle it off of him. 

He couldn't help himself from checking on Baekhyun every few seconds, anxiously wondering if he was going to eat or leave. Yixing had floated away to share a dip with Tao, and Jongdae and Baekhyun were talking casually. Chanyeol hoped it wasn't about him, he really didn't mean to do these things that upset Baekhyun, he just wasn't yet completely attuned to Baekhyun's new attitude and reactions and stuff. But he could do it! If Baekhyun gave him another chance, he could do it right!

He took what was left of a pizza over to them bravely and asked how they were. Jongdae seemed particularly warmed by the gesture and gushed about the stringy cheese to Baekhyun, who mostly ignored him with an embarrassed smile. Chanyeol took the moment to sit down and brush his fingers over Baekhyun's where they rested on the table, and felt his heart jump when Baekhyun didn't pull away. He then held his hand gently and Baekhyun let him, his friend's eyes still trained on Jongdae who was stuffing an entire slice into his face in record time. When he was done, he grinned proudly at them and Chanyeol saw his eyes flick down to where their hands were joined.

"Ready to go?" Jongdae asked brightly, and Baekhyun nodded. Jongdae then said he was going to go save Yixing from Tao's bad dipping habits and left them alone once again. Baekhyun squeezed his hand tightly and led him to the front door. He wondered if Baekhyun liked his rings. 

"Sorry again, about before. I'm not sure what came over me." 

Chanyeol shrugged. "It was nothing, don't worry about it." He opened the door, noticing Jongdae and Yixing giggling down the hall. "I hope I haven't turned you off parties forever."

"Mm, you can have another point for hosting effort. And maybe one for making Jongdae wax poetic about cheese."

Chanyeol laughed. "Seven out of ten then? That's not so bad."

Baekhyun smiled, slightly haloed by the street lights outside Chanyeol's house and he reminded himself to breathe for the second time that night. What was going on? Jongdae pushed past him before he could think on it, dragging Yixing with him and both barrelling into Baekhyun as Chanyeol put out a hand to steady him.

Baekhyun just managed not to topple over and Chanyeol hoped he hadn't gripped him too hard, catching his arm tightly. Baekhyun held onto him, saying a shaky, "thank you," as the others giggled out apologies. 

"You guys should be more careful." He reprimanded before he could stop himself, and Baekhyun's eyebrows rose before he gave Chanyeol a tiny hug, and then went to rejoin his friends. Chanyeol watched them leave with mixed feelings. He pulled out his phone when he couldn't see them anymore. 

CY:  _get home safe, baek ( T_T)_ _＼_ _(^-^ )_

The reply came later that night.

BH:  _Thanks, I did. Jongdae sang the entire journey back, he said your crappy music made him feel like singing again._

CY:  _WELL YOU CAN TELL HIM HIS MUSIC WOULD HAVE MADE EVERYONE LEAVE THE PARTY_

BH:  _Haha! I'm kind of wiped out so I'm going to bed now. Goodnight, Chanyeol. Hope the clean up job's not too bad._

CH:  _it's the price i pay as a social butterfly_ _ಥ_ __ಥ goodnight baek~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a little longer because i got carried away!
> 
> haha, am i writing rubbish? i can't even tell at this point. also, goddamn i really love xingdae.


	4. Chapter 4

Baekhyun woke up covered in a thick sheet of sweat and fear, her pyjamas soaked by her body and her hair plastered to her forehead. She felt grosser than usual. Forcing herself out of bed, she staggered into the shower, not bothering to even take off her clothes as was now becoming her habit. It also meant that she had to do her own laundry as it was difficult to explain to her mum why all her pyjamas kept getting wet. "I just can't stand to look at myself in the morning," seemed like a bit of a sketchy reason.

Her mum had actually been a little more sensitive around her lately, bugging her about school less, and no longer picking at her to go out more and have _fun_. Unfortunately, she was pretty sure it was because her mum suspected she was gay, something that had come about after what she'd creatively named the  _Cuddly_   _Jongdae Incident_ ; whereby Baekhyun and Jongdae had been found comfortably snuggling in Baekhyun's room, and her mum had acted like she'd walked in on them having sex. Either way, if it got her mum off her back thinking she was going through a sexuality phase and dating Jongdae, she didn't much care. 

The spray from the showerhead was cold and she forced herself to stand under it. It had been a rough night, and she'd had a strange dream. She'd been having a lot of strange dreams lately. She wanted to say it was Chanyeol's fault because he was somehow in all of them, but unfortunately her dream-Chanyeol was so out of character that she knew it was all on her. The problem was that it usually started out so normal.

Her dreams would begin with variations of her friends hanging out; laying on the grass outside of the school building, eating junk food, talking about everything and nothing. Yixing would be cutely asking Jongdae to sing and Jongdae would pretend to not want to, but they'd all know he was just stalling until he thought of a good song. 

Then Baekhyun would do something strange like take Chanyeol's hand suddenly or sit in his lap and lean on him, and he'd surround her with his giant body, giant limbs everywhere and she'd feel so safe and warm. No one looked twice at them. She'd tip her head up to tell him so and he'd look down at her, smiling fondly, before leaning forward and pecking her on the mouth. It was about that time when she'd wake up.

It was  _painful_  to think about. Painful to admit that Jongdae had always been right, painful to dream up things that felt so perfect and hopeful and different from her everyday reality, painful to want something impossible from someone she'd already hurt and pushed away once before. Her shoulders were going numb from the onslaught of water and she changed position slightly.

She was haunted by the way Chanyeol had looked at the party, tall and mature and  _protective_  of her, his hands dwarfing hers in the best way possible, rough from playing the guitar and always so warm. She'd thought she was going to die as he'd leant over her, when did he even get so big? She'd been taller than him as a child. 

But then she'd said it, she'd let herself project her own feelings onto him and she had no idea what he really thought about it. God, she'd accused him of checking her out! Did it mean he thought that she was gay? Or that she thought he was gay? She groaned. She was only just beginning to rebuild the friendship she'd purposefully torn down and now she was messing it up all over again, dragging Chanyeol into things he didn't need to worry about, confusing him and confusing herself.

Once, she'd had a dream where her body was perfect, and she'd been the choir's main vocalist, and all her friends had come to watch her perform and they'd loved it. She'd loved it. But lovely, familiar Chanyeol had come to congratulate her afterwards and he'd picked her up and swung her around, and then he'd kissed her on the cheek and said, "you were wonderful, Baekkie," and sometimes, she thought back to that dream she'd replayed so many times in her head and cried like a baby.

The next week was fairly uneventful, aside from the small Yixing scandal in which his usual flurry of female admirers were heartbroken by the appearance of more than one suspicious bruise on his neck. Yixing had been incredibly coy about the whole thing, and even Jongdae had seemed surprisingly uninterested in finding out who Yixing was possibly dating. Baekhyun wasn't one to pry into anything remotely romantic, and so the subject had ended there. She did feel a little sad for the girls who liked Yixing though, unrequited feelings sucked. She'd been seeing Chanyeol a lot less as he was using most of his free time to practice for the band's first performance with the new members. He asked her to come watch a few times, but she'd politely declined, saying that she'd rather watch it when it was ready, with everyone else. In truth, she wasn't sure if she could handle hanging out with Chanyeol in all his musical glory. How many instruments could he play now? Three? Four? It made her feel a bit useless; compared to Chanyeol, what could she even do? Why would he be interested in someone who had no interests? 

"Did you know that the choir's recruiting again?" Yixing said casually as they walked from Biology to English. "A load of people dropped out because the meetings started clashing with badminton practice."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, kinda weird, right? I didn't know the singers here were so into badminton. Hey, you and Jongdae sing." He narrowed his eyes. "Are you guys into badminton?" 

Baekhyun and Chanyeol had once spent the majority of one summer playing badminton, but she hadn't picked up any sort of racket for a few years, so she shook her head innocently. 

Yixing hummed thoughtfully. "So what do you think?"

"About what?"

"Joining up."

Baekhyun blinked. "Oh."

"You know, I have an inside source that says Jongdae wants to join." Yixing said with a hopeful look. "You guys could do it together."

Baekhyun peered at him. "Why wouldn't he ask me himself then?"

Yixing scratched his neck awkwardly before tugging Baekhyun out the way of someone's backpack. "Well, he- I think he was reluctant to mention it in case you didn't want to... I don't think he felt right joining up if you weren't."

Baekhyun bit her lip, nodding. "I'll think about it."

Chanyeol floundered in late to English and got a small scolding from the teacher, but it didn't stop him from still hounding Baekhyun with notes as soon as he got the chance. She was starting to see why he'd been kicked out for disruptive behaviour. 

The first note surprised her, written uncharacteristically carefully and surrounded by multicoloured musical notes and smiley faces. Had he drawn this  _before_  coming to class? It said, "Have you heard that that the choir's recruiting? Maybe you could check it out? Or we could check it out together?"

Baekhyun hadn't sung properly in a while, and belting out the occasional ballad in her room hardly counted. "Why should I... I don't even sing anymore..."

She heard Chanyeol roughly scribbling behind her after reading what she'd wrote.

"everyone sings! even if it's just in the shower! and your voice is so nice!! PLEASE share it with all of us mere earthlings~"

Baekhyun almost laughed out loud, and scribbling all over Chanyeol's message for good measure. "You haven't even heard my voice in ages, how do you know I don't sound like a 100 year old granny?"

"because if your voice was that nice back then, I think you must be really wonderful now"

Baekhyun's stomach fluttered as she read the note. All she could think about was her dream, her perfect choir dream with Chanyeol telling her that she was  _wonderful._ Was it too much to hope for? Of course it was. But maybe Chanyeol would think she was more interesting if she was in the choir. And besides, Jongdae wanted to do it too, and they were really only helping the school out in its emergency choir situation.

She wrote back. "Fine... I'll go"

"Really?!?! Do you want me to come with you?" Chanyeol sent with an abundance of happy faces.

"No, that's okay. I'll be signing up with Jongdae so I'll just go with him"

Baekhyun didn't get another reply after that and she wondered if Chanyeol was actually taking proper notes for a change instead copying everything off of Yixing afterwards. He gave her a thumbs-up as they left the class for lunch, before running off to practice with his band again. She told Yixing and Jongdae the news and they looked excessively happy for her. Jongdae was especially cuddly too, making Yixing and Baekhyun sit either side of him so he could swap between them. Baekhyun found him amusing and it was times like these where she sometimes wished Yixing knew about her secret so that they could all speak freely.

Objectively, she didn't think Yixing would have a problem with it, soft-spoken and considerate as he was, but doubts always niggled in the back of her mind until they were louder than any logic or reason. Jongdae had only found out because she'd been unable to survive keeping something so big to herself. He had trusted her and confessed to her that he was gay, and she'd just blurted it out, not even fully understanding what it meant yet, but he'd been so accepting and happy that she'd shared it with him, they'd been kind of inseparable since.

Jongdae was out to most his friends now, and sometimes when he spoke so casually about it, Baekhyun was filled with a need to be open and casual about herself also, but it was still terrifying. She thought that Jongdae had to be one special gem in a sea of normal people, because why else would he have accepted her so easily, with nothing more than the few words that fell from her mouth that day. He had never expected anything from her, or assumed or pushed anything and she really, really loved him for it. She knew how hard it must have been for him, back when she'd call him in the middle of the night because she felt like a stranger in her own skin, could hardly breathe through the need to rip herself out of it.

He'd told her once that he'd noticed her on the first day of school, back when her and Chanyeol had been too wrapped up in each other to know that other people existed. But maybe that had just been her, too wrapped up in Chanyeol, because he'd made friends easily while she'd struggled to adjust to places where she had to be one person and not one of two. She'd started to second-guess herself without him there to back her up all the time, or provide a second voice of affirmation when she spoke out and annoyed people. It was harder to be funny when all your jokes relied on a very specific member of the audience, and harder to laugh off insults without that one person there to remind you that they weren't true.

Jongdae had said they'd looked so cool, dealing out jokes and pranks like it was nothing when they were together, and he'd wanted to make friends with them straight away. He'd sat next to Baekhyun in Maths for a whole year before she'd even noticed his attempts to chat with her, caught up in herself, caught up in Chanyeol. They'd grown closer, whilst her and Chanyeol had grown apart. She couldn't talk to Chanyeol about serious things, because she was scared he'd laugh it off like he'd done with many things before, he thought that it was the only way to help, even if he didn't mean to hurt her with it.

Jongdae suddenly burst into tickling Yixing next to her, and she leant away from them, smiling. She was glad that Jongdae had Yixing too, glad that he had someone to talk to who wasn't as exhausting as she was. Yixing eventually fell right off his seat when Jongdae blew on his neck, and Baekhyun thought it was funny that his entire face was pink when he settled himself at the table again. Afterwards, Yixing was dead set on ignoring Jongdae and so she had to deal with a whine personified all the way to their next lesson, and then even after school.

"It wasn't even that embarrassing, no one was looking at us, we're not that popular. Aside from Yixing's fan club... Hm, maybe that's why." Jongdae continued to ruminate for the umpteenth time on their way to sign up for the choir.

The actual signing up was a relatively quick name on a paper, and Baekhyun didn't realise her hands were shaking until they were heading back through the music building to go home. "Looking forward to singing again?" Jongdae questioned.

"I guess. I'm more used to my voice now."

"Mm, I know it still bugs you, but really, your voice isn't very deep at all." Jongdae said helpfully, before his eyes widened like he had an idea. "You know what, while we're here, let's go and find a proper deep voice."

Baekhyun rolled her eyes as she was dragged through the corridors until they'd reached a line of music rooms. The school was empty save for the people who stayed behind to practice or study in the library and there were slow strums of a guitar coming from the room closest to them. Jongdae grinned at her. "Come on."

Hesitantly, she follows him into the practice room, her stomach dropping as she saw what she'd been dreading. Chanyeol was relaxing on a chair, guitar resting on his knee and fingers plucking out a sweet little melody while Tao and Sehun flanked him, guitars in their laps but hands idle. Baekhyun wondered if this was what band practices usually looked like. 

Chanyeol had his eyes closed, head lolling a little and unaware of them, even as Sehun nodded and Tao gave them a small wave. They didn't say anything and Baekhyun wished she didn't know how perfect this looked on Chanyeol, how well music fitted him, and how much this deep, resonating song made her want to sing, preferably right into his mouth. She shook herself, knocking her foot against something and making Chanyeol bat his eyes open and focus on her.

Baekhyun smiled shyly in lieu of doing anything else and Chanyeol's face split open into a happy grin that made her heart panic. Jongdae said a pleasant, "hi guys!" from beside her and Chanyeol beckoned them over. 

"Alright, alright, don't judge me on what you heard, okay? I wasn't prepared!"

"I liked it actually." Baekhyun admitted, and was pleased when Chanyeol ducked his head shyly.

"Did you sign up for the choir?" He directed at them, and Baekhyun nodded. "Yah! I can't wait to come see you! You guys! Definitely both of you!"

Sehun and Tao sighed in synchronisation at his words, before laughing and high-fiving each other. Jongdae went to sit with them, curiously plucking at Tao's guitar. "Play that song you're writing for-" Sehun started before Chanyeol aimed a kick to his shin. 

"Let us play you a song from our line, yeah?" He ask-told Baekhyun excitedly. "Luhan and Minseok had football practice today so it's just us three again, but you'll see us all when we perform for real."

"Okay." Baekhyun said. 

As if she'd needed any more reasons to fantasise about Chanyeol, him standing and strumming and singing a song at her would probably have been enough to melt her down right there and then, were it not for the fact that she was surrounded by three other people. She wondered if he could tell that she felt like she was glowing with how much she liked him. 

But more that that, she wanted him to like her. She wanted so bad to be normal so that he would want to date her like other girls, but what if he could never see her as anything other than a boy, than a brother or best friend. 

Laying in her bed at home, she ran her hands down her body softly, her dysphoria strangely calm and she mostly felt distant. She wanted to feel happy. She wanted to touch Chanyeol and let him touch her without feeling sick, she wanted to look at her own naked body again, she wanted to stop having mini panic attacks if she had to use public toilets.

She grabbed her phone. 

BH: _Hey, are you free to go shopping this weekend?_

JD: _Are we talking shopping or shOPPING_

BH: _Um, shOPPING? I think?_

JD: _YAS BAEK BABY you don't know how long I've waited for this day *proud tear* you're gonna have fun I promise_

BH: _Jongdae._

JD: _What?_

BH: _You were right.._

JD: _Yeah I usually am, but what about this time?_

BH: _Chanyeol. I like him. A lot._

JD: _Well I'm glad you're finally admitting it to yourself, sweetie, now we can get started on the matchmaking_

BH: _..._

BH: _Don't make me hate you._

JD: _Fine, it'll be low-key matchmaking, v. high quality_

BH: _JONGDAE_

JD: _See you on Saturday, Baek! I'll be at your house bright and early!!!_

Baekhyun sighed into her pillow. If she could start looking and feeling a little more feminine, maybe everything would get better. Maybe then she could stop living this lie in front of everyone, start being herself. Maybe Chanyeol would like her more then. She held onto the thought, the small hope, and went to revisit her dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realise that I haven't actually mentioned their ages but they're all 16
> 
> well sehun and jongin are actually 15 but they're all still in the same academic year, ya feel me?


	5. Chapter 5

"Alright guys, let's go from the top." The performance is only a week away, and we can't stop working! Come on!" Chanyeol spun the drumsticks in his fingers and pressed his foot on the drum pedal. Sehun and Tao sighed at his unending enthusiasm, but he noticed that they tried hard to look alert anyway and it made him cheerful.

The others slowly faded in, Tao on the bass, Sehun on main guitar and Minseok building up the melody with his keyboard. Chanyeol teased the drums as Luhan started singing; he thought they were starting to sound like a real band now. It made him more excited than he let on to the others, because he knew that this was just a little hobby thing for them, but Chanyeol... When he played like this with them, all he could think about was how  _right_  it felt, surrounded by music and creativity. He wanted to do it forever.

He thought about when Baekhyun and Jongdae had surprise-visited them the other day and how he'd felt when Baekhyun watched him play. It was like being on fire, hyperaware of himself and almost vibrating with excitement. He even allowed himself to build a little fantasy where Baekhyun was the lead singer of the band, no offence intended to Luhan, because, God, he could imagine how good they'd sound. 

He was actually a bit desperate to hear Baekhyun sing again. He was so glad that he'd joined back up to the choir, could hardly believe it when Baekhyun had just agreed. Maybe he'd simply needed some support, and Chanyeol had support to deal out in spades. He was also desperate to hold Baekhyun's hand again, but that was something he was beginning to feel a little more confused about.

He'd been hardly seeing Baekhyun recently because of all the time he was dedicating to the band but he knew it would be worth it. He figured he needed to make up for it by taking Baekhyun out though. He planned to ask him at lunch because he was going to be there today, laden with Baekhyun's favourite snacks to subtly apologise.  He'd been so happy when Baekhyun had come to visit him, because it made him think that Baekhyun didn't just forget him when he wasn't there. Maybe Baekhyun missed him too. 

Surprisingly, he found Baekhyun at lunch alone, and was greeted with a heart-stoppingly pretty smile when Baekhyun laid eyes on him.

"Jongdae and Yixing are sick." He said, face still bright as Chanyeol sat down, and Chanyeol wasn't sure what he'd done to deserve that look. "I thought I was going to be alone today." 

"It must be fate." Chanyeol said. "Also, hey, you could have texted me. I would've skipped practice even if I had it." 

"What? I'm not gonna call you out of practice just to hang out with me at lunch, Chanyeol, gosh."

"I wouldn't have minded."

"Well," Baekhyun smirked a bit. "It's still silly."

Chanyeol smiled. "You're always welcome at our practices anyway. If you're alone again and I'm not here, then come find us." 

"Okay." Baekhyun said, pulling a carton of orange juice out of his backpack. 

Chanyeol decided now would be a good time to also present his array of snacks. "Uh, I brought some stuff." Digging through his bag, he retrieved the collection of snack foods he'd brought for Baekhyun and saw his friend's eyes widen.

"These are all my favourites...?"

"Well, yeah, that was the point." Chanyeol explained. "I just kinda wanted to make up for not hanging out much recently."

"You don't have to do that, Chanyeol." Baekhyun said, picking up a rice cake and fiddling with it. 

Chanyeol shrugged. "Hey, how do you feel? You don't think you could have caught something from Jongdae and Yixing, could you?"

"Good, actually. I guess I have a strong immune system."

Chanyeol nodded, grabbing some chocolate. "I'm glad. I wonder where they caught it? If there's sickness going around, I really don't want to get ill before the performance next week."

"Good luck!" Baekhyun said awkwardly loudly. "Uh, I just realised I hadn't said it. Yeah, good luck. I hope you don't catch anything either." 

Chanyeol blinked. "Thanks, Baek. I'm so excited about it... I know it might look like a lame school band, we don't even have a name, and I don't know... But Baek, I love it so much. Is it childish? Ah, I know the others are just there for fun...but when I'm there, I feel like this what I want my life to be like. I mean, preferably in a bigger room with better instruments..." He chuckled nervously, suddenly self-conscious under the intensity of Baekhyun's gaze.

"Chanyeol." Baekhyun said. "You were made for music. Everyone knows it. You'll be just fine."

Chanyeol's heart lifted as he heard those words, feeling deeply touched for a moment. Baekhyun was holding eye contact firmly, and Chanyeol was filled with the desire to hold his hand again. 

"Don't worry." Baekhyun said. Chanyeol nodded his head, in a bit of a daze. Baekhyun fingers brushed his as he reached for another snack and Chanyeol shivered. _Ah_ , he really liked it, why did he like it so much? He was beginning to worry himself.

"I wanted to ask you out." He blurted before he could even filter his brain properly.

Baekhyun pulled backwards, his mouth open. "What?"

"I- I mean, I wanted to ask if you'd like to hang out. Or go out. Or do something. Maybe this weekend."

"Oh." Baekhyun nodded slowly. "Yeah, okay. But I'm only free on Sunday." Chanyeol had to wrench his eyes away from the way Baekhyun put a finger to his mouth, running it over his lips in thought.

"Great! Uh, do you wanna go watch a film? I mean, we haven't been out together in a while... I'm not sure what you do for fun." 

Baekhyun threw a wrapper at him. "I'm your childhood friend, not an alien! Who doesn't like going to the cinema?"

Chanyeol gave an embarrassed laugh. "I don’t know, I mean… We don’t have to go there."

"I really don't mind." Baekhyun said.

"Neither do I." 

Baekhyun huffed at him and rolled his eyes. "Well, since neither of us care, maybe we shouldn’t go at all. Don't be difficult, Yeol."

He felt his mouth curve up at the use of the nickname. Baekhyun was saying it again! And teasing him! His insides were squiggly and he resisted the sudden urge he had to bury his face in his palm to hide himself. Where was this coming from? He’d really missed Baekhyun too much, that must be it.

"Actually, there is somewhere I want to go. But…it’s kind of…I don’t think you’ll like it." Chanyeol said, trying to gauge what Baekhyun’s reaction would be before he suggested it; he was so scared of saying things that would bother Baekhyun, and it clashed with the part of him that wanted to be just as natural with him as he’d always been.

Baekhyun looked amused. "Hit me."

Chanyeol took a deep breath. “So there’s this club…” He watched Baekhyun carefully as he spoke. “It’s like the best place ever, and I’ve wanted to show it to someone for ages but I didn’t really feel right about it. I know you probably hate the idea of a club if you don’t like drunk people but I promise, it’s not sleazy or anything! My sister knows the owner and he’ll let us in. Just, oh my god, Baek, they have the best music. I swear it makes my soul want to leave my body.” He stopped abruptly; afraid he’d start rambling, and waited for Baekhyun to say something. His friend just raised his eyebrows.

“You want me to sneak into a club with you?”

Chanyeol smirked. “We wouldn’t _really_ be sneaking. I just happen to have a free pass.”

“What do you even do at a club, Chanyeol? You’re sixteen." 

“Listen to the music! Some people do go to clubs just for the music, you know. Not everyone’s just there to…well, you- you know what I mean. They let me hang out upstairs in the VIP booths where I can’t bother anyone. They don’t even let me drink anything; they’re actually weirdly responsible for a club that lets in minors.”

Baekhyun was looking at him with an expression that appeared to be a combination of fond and bewildered. “What’s the name of it?” He says finally.

“Exodus.”

They shared a tense look for a moment, before Chanyeol’s eye twitched and they both snorted out laughs. “Sounds snazzy.” Baekhyun said, enunciating poshly like a critic.

“Come on… What do you think? Will you come?” A distinctly Jongdae-like whine entered his voice as he gave Baekhyun his best puppy face.

Baekhyun rolled his eyes and shoved a little chocolate cake at him. “Fine… If you’re sure it’s safe… I’ll tell my mum I’m sleeping over at yours.”

Chanyeol looked at him for a long moment, caught up in the surprise and happiness that Baekhyun was going to come to _Exodus_ with him. He thought he could probably vibrate all the way to his next class if he lost control of himself, so he did his best to hold it together. Baekhyun munched quietly and contentedly, ignoring him, and Chanyeol’s eyes dragged over his face gratuitously, before he noticed something. "Are you wearing eyeliner?"

Baekhyun's face dropped, flinching away from Chanyeol. "N- No!"

"Woah, hey, it's fine! I wasn't dissing it, it looks really nice. Kinda smoky."

Baekhyun's face had gone from his usual fair complexion to almost bright pink in the space of about two seconds. "Oh- oh- well, yeah. I guess, I am, kinda. I just left it on, it...wasn't really meant to be noticeable. Oh god, do you think...has everyone noticed? Oh no, oh no..."

"Baekhyun, what…? It looks good, don't worry. Tons of guys wear makeup now, it's not even a big thing."

Baekhyun looked struck for a moment, before checking himself. "To you maybe." He said quietly. "I've met a few people who would definitely consider it a big thing."

Chanyeol felt himself frown at the implication. "Baek. Someone hasn't said something to you, have they? Someone’s not bullying you?!"

"Uh, recently, no. In the duration of my life, yes, Chanyeol, I've been bullied."

Chanyeol was instantly rubbed the wrong way by Baekhyun's casual tone of voice. "What?! When? Why didn't you tell me?"

Baekhyun looked extremely put out. "Oh, Chanyeol, please. I don't want to talk about it, it was ages ago and it had nothing to do with you."

"Nothing to do with me? We're best friends!"

"We were best friends at age eleven, Chanyeol. Things have changed a little bit since then. Don't ask me about it please, I can't... It's too late to ask about it now."

"Baek!" He protested. He only wanted to help, he hadn't been the one to stop hanging out, he hadn't ever given up; Baekhyun was the one who'd stopped trying. He still didn't know why. Too late, he’d said. Too late to ask about it now.

"If you make a scene, you giant banana, I'm going to get up and leave." Baekhyun spoke firmly. "Now stuff your face with all the snacks you brought and drop it, okay?"

Chanyeol ground his teeth. "Fine, just- If you were getting bullied now, or someone tried something with you, you'd let me know right?" 

Baekhyun was giving him a blank, uninterested look.

"Baekhyun! Please..."

"Alright, yes, I'd tell you." He sighed and Chanyeol was worried he might have really annoyed him. The last thing he wanted was for Baekhyun to start avoiding him again. But then he watched the corner of Baekhyun's lips curl up, even as he tried to hide his face in a bread snack. Chanyeol chucked a sweet at him and saw him smile properly. 

"You're kinda cute when you're trying to act like a big protective guy." Baekhyun rolled out finally.

Chanyeol threw another sweet at him. "It's not acting. I am a big protective guy."

"Uh huh. Being tall doesn't mean you could actually beat anyone up."

"Are you worried that I won't protect you?" Chanyeol crooned at him.

Baekhyun looked disgusted. "Yeah, right. Maybe if my bully was your tiny next-door neighbour. Barring Kyungsoo, I can't really see you scaring anyone away aside from with that big shark smile of yours."

Chanyeol grinned widely at him for that comment, and Baekhyun pretended to recoil in horror, pretty hand clutching at his chest. The bell rang then, and they quickly gathered their stuff to go to their next classes. Chanyeol grabbed Baekhyun before he could scuttle off, and leant down next to his ear.

"Don't worry, Baek, I'd find a way to protect you from all the baddies." He said lowly, thinking Baekhyun would laugh and hit him or something in protest.

Baekhyun just looked a little stunned though, and just nodded placidly. "Thank you… I’ll see you later, Chanyeol." He said, before walking off to his next class. It was then Chanyeol's turn to act stunned, but he hurried to his lesson before he was late and shook off Sehun's probing questions with said scary shark smile.

Once he was home, he got to work on the new song he was writing. It was about meeting someone after a long time and learning how to love them again, but the rest of the band, Sehun in particular, had taken to calling it _The_   _Baekhyun Song_ despite how many times he'd told them it wasn't. He texted Yixing and Jongdae to get well soon and then spent a bit of time discussing instrumental layering with Yixing on the new program he'd downloaded. Occasionally Yixing helped him out with song writing, but mostly just as someone for him to bounce ideas off of; Yixing had already denied his invitation to join the band. Several times. He wasn't completely sure on why, but he thought it might have something to do with Yixing's job at the animal shelter - he'd heard that it took up a lot of his spare time. Yixing wasn't one to complain though.

Out of sudden curiosity, remembering Yixing’s state at his party, he messaged him again. 

CY: _hey xing, can i maybe ask a really personal question?? (°_°)_

YX: _I'm scared to say yes, but... Okay_

CY: _are you like, straight? like y'know, you like girls and stuff..._

YX: _Uh, I know what straight means, Chanyeol, and well, no, I guess not_

Chanyeol felt like he was holding his breath. His heart was suddenly beating like a rabbit.

CY: _so you don't like girls then?_

YX: _Boys, girls, anyone else, I don't really mind_

CY: _oh okay_

There was a little while before Yixing replied again.

YX: _So…trying not to make a fool of myself here, but you're not hitting on me right?_

Chanyeol almost choked on his own saliva.

CY: _no!!!_

CY: _no i'm not!! (_ _◎_ ___ _◎_ _;)_

YX: _Alright calm down, I just wanted to make sure, it's really hard to read subtext when I can't see your giant array of expressions_

YX: _Also, I'm not that bad, no need to get so defensive_ _（_ _-_-#_ _）_

CY: _sorry! sorry! you're not bad at all xing, you'd make a great boyfriend probably!!! (^з^)_

YX: _Thanks Chanyeol, good to know_

YX: _Uh, can I ask why the sudden curiosity in my sexuality though?_

Chanyeol bit his lip. He didn't even know. He was just interested, but also his stomach was filled with nervous butterflies from this conversation and he didn’t understand why. Or… he didn’t want to understand why. It was late, after all, and he was tired and worked up. There was no reason to start chasing his thoughts down different paths. Why should he make something that didn’t even exist yet real by blowing it up? What if he was just getting himself worked up over nothing? What if he was just overthinking, getting feelings mixed up, and there was no reason for him to start confusing himself or considering he might be…anything from what he already was. Yixing's admission made him feel better though, it was comforting to know he had one friend who wasn't just straight. 

CY: _i don't know..._

He finally sent.

YX: _Are you questioning?_  

YX: _It's okay to say you are... I won't tell anyone. Sometimes it's nice to get it off your chest though_

Chanyeol stared at the messages on his phone. Questioning? Questioning what? Questioning his… Questioning his sexuality? He hands were shaking so much he had to put his phone on his bed and take deep breaths. Yixing wanted to know if he was questioning his sexuality. Why was it making him so anxious? Yixing said it was okay. They were just talking hypothetically, right? His thumbs were jerking as he typed. Somehow it made it easier that he was sitting in the dim light of his room, his parents out late so that he was all alone. It made it less real.

CY: _i don't know xing_

CY: _it's weird_

YX: _Well I just came out to you so how about you be a darling and let me know what's up_

YX: _Can't help if I don't know, Chanyeollie ʕ •_ _ᴥ_ _•ʔ_

Chanyeol steeled himself, his stomach was spasming and he kept typing the wrong letters but he forced it out. 

CY: _so this is totally all hypothetical right, but i dunno_

CY: _what if maybe i liked a boy…?_

Chanyeol felt like chucking his phone across the room as he waited for a reply. Instead he flopped over to his bed and curled up in a ball, afraid to look at his phone when it buzzed against his chest. He stayed there for a good five minutes before he was able to pull his phone out and unlock it.

YX: _Well, you’d like a boy. So do I. They’re not too scary once you get used to them (remarkably similar to you and me) So what makes you think you’ve caught feelings?_

Chanyeol took deep breaths, trying to get a grip on himself, on this whole conversation. 

CY: _well, HYPOTHETICALLY, he could be really pretty & cute sometimes and his hands are really nice, like so nice…_

CY: _but_ _that's still just friend stuff, right? because i'd really like to be his best friend_

YX: _Sounds like you've got yourself a mystery! Hmm, okay don’t freak out but…try picturing him kissing another guy? just think about whether you'd mind or not_

Chanyeol didn't want to, but the image flashed into his head regardless. The sudden idea of... Baekhyun... And oh god, why did he have to conjure him up with _Jongdae_ of all people, oh god. He hated it. His cheeks had flushed just thinking about it and that couldn't be normal right? No, no, no, it couldn’t be that simple, could it? What did it mean? Was he… Did he like Baekhyun differently to how he was supposed to? Why- Why should he mind if Baekhyun wanted to kiss someone? But he did mind. He did. He hated that he minded because it made everything so complicated. Why did he have to mind so much! What was he doing? What was he thinking about? What would Baekhyun think of him?

YX: _Uh, Chanyeol? You're still there right? You haven't imploded or anything?_

CY: _i'm still here_

YX: _are you okay?_

CY: _i did what you said_

YX: _I take it worked then?_

CY: _what am i gonna do_

YX: _Aw, don’t worry, welcome to the club, bb! Maybe you should talk to Dae... He's way better at giving advice about this stuff_

Chanyeol couldn’t stop the heavy cloud of tension from setting over him. _Welcome to the club._ But he didn’t feel welcome, he felt like he was seconds away from throwing his phone again. Talk to Jongdae, talk to Jongdae. But Jongdae would know who he was talking about _instantly_ , Jongdae was too sharp to not guess – would he tell Baekhyun? Oh god. How could he trust Jongdae not to tell when _he_ was Baekhyun’s best friend now. Best friends told each other everything; at least, him and Baekhyun had once.

CY: _oh… really?_

YX: _Well he's gay for one, and he's also kinda like a sexy counselling officer in the making, so you should totally talk to him, newbie (don't tell him I said that though)_

Chanyeol's heart dropped through his stomach. Wait, Jongdae was gay? Did Baekhyun know? He tutted at himself. Of course Baekhyun would know. He felt antsy. What if- No. Could they be…together? He hadn't even considered... But Yixing liked guys suddenly and Jongdae liked guys and where was this all coming from – did Baekhyun like guys too? Was that why Baekhyun had been so concerned that Chanyeol might be checking him out? Jongdae and Baekhyun... They were so touchy, knew each other far better than Chanyeol knew them, so comfortable and always together, oh god, how could he have missed it? All the jokes that other people made, they'd always seemed to brush them off as if they were a small annoyance. He hadn't even considered that Jongdae and Baekhyun could actually be _together_. It was too much; too much for him to take in all at once. He breathed heavily on his bed, clutching his knees to his chest and suddenly wishing his parents _were_ at home, so that he could seek them out for comfort.

Needing to know, he torturously unlocked his phone again and typed out a new message.

CY: _is jongdae seeing someone right now? like dating?_

Yixing took ages to reply and Chanyeol couldn't really afford for Yixing to be getting distracted at a time like this. He felt almost out of his head.

YX: _I think he might be, yeah_

Chanyeol sighed in defeat, his throat hurting suddenly and he didn’t know what to do with himself. It seemed like Jongdae had everything. He was Baekhyun's best friend and _boyfriend_ and he knew how to make him happy and not upset. Where did that leave Chanyeol? How was he supposed to face Baekhyun now? He was all mixed up inside, first scared that he wanted Baekhyun some way that Baekhyun would find scary, and now terrified that Baekhyun was giving that part of himself to someone else. 

YX: _But it's a secret so don't say anything, yeah..?_

Chanyeol buried his face in his pillow. Jongdae and Baekhyun were in a secret relationship and now he'd gone and admitted to himself that _maybe_ he was different, _maybe_ he was part of this club. He felt sick. He was a train wreck; clearly not suited for Baekhyun in any way and the universe seemed anxious to remind him over and over.

CY: _sure_

YX: _Don't worry too much, okay? I'm sure your Prince Charming likes you back, hot stuff_

Chanyeol put a hand over his mouth because he was sure he might retch with all the tension curled up inside him.

YX: _Goodnight, Chanyeollie! Thanks for sharing (^o^)_

_CY: thanks for listening_

Chanyeol stared at the darkness of his ceiling. Somehow searching for answers had made him more confused than he'd ever been. How could he think about Baekhyun now? Didn’t he like _girls_? Didn’t he like petite girls with stellar music taste? Why did this feel so different? Maybe he needed to see him, maybe his brain had been too stressed recently and it was messing him up. Maybe seeing him again would somehow sort it all out. Maybe he could convince himself that they were best as _just_ _friends_ , no complications, no awkwardness. Maybe he could forget this conversation with Yixing ever happened and be silently happy for Jongdae and Baekhyun because they _were_ perfect together. He had no reason to second-guess what he'd always been and try to get involved.

He told himself he could ignore it all as he deleted a chunk from _The Baekhyun Song_. He almost believed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so if anyone's interested [this](http://41.media.tumblr.com/83790db7775599866420611af2064b8b/tumblr_n2z4dpBw2Y1sgge07o1_500.jpg) is kinda how I picture baekhyun in this fic and [this](http://kpopselca.com/selca/18788_chanyeol.jpg) is kinda how i picture chanyeol
> 
> just like super dorky kids basically


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Eh, I thought I'd take a moment to say that Baekhyun's affinity for traditionally "girly" things doesn't make her any more or any less a girl than someone who doesn't ascribe to that; I just feel like people need reminders sometimes in the context of transgirls, because people often expect something else from them, and no. Not every transgirl will want to wear dresses or whatever, and they don't have to. 
> 
> SO enjoy guys.

Today was the day. Today was the day Baekhyun had been anticipating and dreading and it was finally going to happen. She was up early texting Jongdae before he'd even awoken, but it was Saturday and she was buzzing with energy. Jongdae had said he wasn't ill anymore and that made everything even better. Her mum had questioned her bouncy attitude and she'd said that she was going to hang out with Jongdae - though in retrospect, it was probably not the best answer considering her mum's current assumptions about them.

Nothing could bring her down though, and her dysphoria was thankfully still letting up; it had been a good few days since she'd had to close her eyes in the shower and it felt good. She was starting to feel a heavy sense of calm about the way she looked, as if she could manage working with what she had. Loads of girls were flat chested, that didn't bother her too much, and the shoulders could be worked on with the right clothes. Her _dick_ was something else though, and aside from feeling like it didn't really belong to her, she was dealing with the idea of accepting it, or maybe just putting it away and ignoring it forever? Alright, so she was still touchy about the genital thing.

Jongdae knocked early like he'd said he would and she was flying out the house in clothes that were easy to get in and out of – which was most of her clothes really. She was going shopping! In the girl's section! Maybe it was a bit silly when she thought about it, because she knew that labels were dumb but... she still couldn't deny the amount of affirmation that came from shopping where a lot of other women shopped too. It made her feel like she was actually part of them, not just in her head or Jongdae's.

The mall was busy and she was buzzing as she walked along with Jongdae. He was happy too, because he'd wanted her to do this for ages and Jongdae was usually right. Not that she'd tell him that to his face. 

"Hey, Baek!" He gestured to a shop they'd been into before on a window-shopping visit. "This one?"

The clothing inside didn't seem to be flowery or overt, just casual and sort of teenager-like. She nodded. Best to start small.

She hesitantly wandered around the store until she gravitated back over to a bunch of dresses hanging close to the entrance. Jongdae nodded his encouragement when she picked a little blue sundress with pockets. Pretty _and_ practical. "Try it! Try it! Try it!" Jongdae chorused at the side. She shushed him and gave it to him to hold while she peered through the others. She eventually found a pair of long white socks with blue puppies on the toes and grabbed them instantly. She'd spent a large amount of her free time putting outfits together on Pinterest and she thought she had pretty good taste to show for it. 

Jongdae followed her around making happy little comments and trying to slide butterfly clips into her hair every time she walked past him, and he narrowly avoided getting a harsh pinch because of it. 

They waited until there was no one in line for the changing room, at Baekhyun's request, before going in. Even though Jongdae had said that he'd asked about transgender customers before they'd even come - because he was unbelievable like that - and said the store wouldn't mind her using the women's changing rooms if she wanted to. Jongdae waited outside, bugging her the whole time as she pulled off her clothes and tried to fit the new ones on. His nagging helped her overcome the intense nerves she was feeling. She had to catch her breath once the dress was over her head.

She looked... nice. Oh god, she looked like a girl.

Her shoulders didn't seems so broad like this, and the dress emphasised the tiny flare of her hips. God. Her eyes were prickling but it would be so stupid to cry.

Jongdae poked his head in, albeit with his eyes closed, concerned after she'd stopped answering him. "Baek...?" 

She covered her face because she was definitely going to start crying if she looked at him. “What do you think?” She rushed out.

"Baek… You look great." 

"Really?" She sniffled, parting her fingers to look at him. She wasn't even wearing the socks and her knees were so knobbly.

"Aw Baek, we should've come ages ago." He said warmly, before stepping in to hug her.

"I'm not even wearing the socks..." 

"You're slaying." He said. "Now put the socks on and you'll be slaying even more." He held her firmly by her upper arms. "Are you okay?"

She nodded, rubbing her eyes. 

"Good. I'll be outside."

She closed the curtain behind him and looked at herself in the mirror again. Her legs were smooth because she'd shaved them for the first time the other day, and she'd pulled up her trouser leg a bit on the train to make Jongdae feel it on the way there. "Wah, Baek, so smooth, I feel like trying it myself..." He'd said, and she'd collapsed into giggles because Jongdae had the hairiest legs ever, and imagining a hairless Jongdae just made her think of those pink moles that lived underground and never saw sunlight. 

The dress was super pretty, and so it made her look at least average. Average was what she dreamed of. She pulled the socks on, right over her knees and wiggled her feet in the mirror. The socks looked cute too, and so she started going through all the random accessories Jongdae had left with her, trying to find something that was marginally attractive; Jongdae's heart may be in the right place but his taste in fashion was severely lacking. Eventually she found a simple blue headband and slid it onto her head carefully, arranging her hair.

She called Jongdae and he shuffled in, unable to keep a curling smile from his face. "You look so good! Let's buy it! All of it!" 

She laughed at him, feeling warm and pretty and finally like _herself_. It was weird. It was amazing. "Yeah. Let's buy it." She was reluctant to take the dress off again, and she studied herself in the mirror for a few minutes more before finally undressing.

They passed by the underwear section on the way to the cashiers, and she paused.

“Do you want to get some?" Jongdae asked. 

She bit her lip, ears heating up a bit. "Not lingerie or anything. Just something normal, and cute. And that fits me."

"Right." Jongdae said thoughtfully, before disappearing round the corner. He popped back out holding a strange array of underwear. She took a pack of pink boyshorts from him. They would most likely fit her extra package down there and they were covered in frogs. The best of both worlds. 

"What about...?" He gestured to his chest. 

"Maybe next time." She said with an awkward smile. Bras weren't really something she wanted to deal with at the moment, despite how pretty they all looked. 

After she'd paid for everything, they went out for ice cream and relaxed on the benches in the mall's courtyard. The sound of the water from the central fountain as it hit the stone was deeply calming. "I'm going out with Chanyeol tomorrow." She said casually.

"Going out like a date?" Jongdae asked.

"Just going out."

"But you want it to be a date?"

"Maybe."

Jongdae flicked her on the knee. "You should tell him that."

"I can't." She sighed, closing her eyes. "Because I'd have to tell him the rest."

"So do that."

"Jongdae..." She whined. He was being unhelpful on purpose.

"What do you want me to say, Baek? You're gonna make yourself really unhappy if you don't let him in properly. I trust him. So should you."

"What? Why do you trust him?" She scrambled to look at her friend, and he shrugged.

"Because he looks at you like he's been in love with you for years." He said, before cocking his head. "Maybe he has."

She felt her stomach clench up dangerously. "Shut up. Stop saying stupid stuff."

"Suit yourself." He said, planting a little kiss on her forehead. "You did good today. I'll continue bugging you about it tomorrow." 

"Oh- oh. H- hi- guys." Baekhyun heard a very familiar voice stammer behind them. 

Baekhyun's head twisted quick enough to hurt, and she laid eyes on a paper-white Chanyeol standing next to a slightly surprised Yixing, both of them holding pretzels. 

"Xing!" Jongdae called out happily, and Yixing broke into a cute smile. Chanyeol looked like he'd seen a ghost though, and Baekhyun sent him a questioning look. 

"Chanyeol?"

He spluttered to life again, plastering a bad imitation of his usual smile across his face as he walked over to them. "It's nice to catch you guys here." He said tensely. Baekhyun wondered what was wrong; it felt so strange to see him like this. 

"You didn't tell me you were going to the mall today?" Jongdae said, pulling Yixing down next to him and swinging his legs over Yixing's lap. 

Yixing gave him a long-suffering look and nodded to Chanyeol. "Chan wanted to go out." 

"Mm, well I'm glad you're not sick anymore." Jongdae said quietly, and Baekhyun chose to peer at Chanyeol over maybe studying how snuggly her friends were being with each other.

"Hey, you don't look too well? Are you okay?" She resisted putting her hand on his knee.

He didn't meet her eyes. "Fine, just a bit tired. Had a bad night." He laughed hollowly. She was frowning deeply because there was something clearly very wrong and it was unlike Chanyeol to be bottled up like this, he usually couldn't wait to tell her everything and anything.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" She tried.

He shook his head. "What were you shopping for?" He leant over a little as if to peek into her bag and she yanked it away from him violently. He looked affronted and confused by it, but she couldn't let him see what was inside.

"Sorry, uh, just some clothes and stuff." 

He nodded sharply, shutting up and averting his eyes again. She rushed to console him, hardly thinking before grabbing his hand and leaning closer to him to get him to look at her. "Yeol... You can tell me what's wrong… hm?"

He looked constipated as he extracted himself from her hold. "I think I might be ill, you should keep away from me."

"Oh." Maybe that was why he was acting so strange. Somehow it didn't seem right though. She turned back around to see Jongdae and Yixing thoroughly involved in a secret conversation that apparently required them to only be a few inches apart. She poked Jongdae harshly in the ribs and he squirmed loudly, ticklish. 

"It's not nice to creep up on people, Baekkie." He whined while forcing Yixing to cradle him like a baby.

"We're sitting right here." Baekhyun chuckled. "Hardly doing much creeping." 

"Perhaps this baby needs to go to bed early?" Yixing suggested, acting as if he was going to lift Jongdae up bridal style and carry him home. Jongdae squealed embarrassingly loudly in his arms and even Chanyeol cracked a tiny smile at their antics. 

Baekhyun leaned into him then, forgetting what he'd said and desperate for him to be happy. She curled her hand around his again and leant her head on his shoulder, feeling bold after the successful shopping trip and Jongdae's observation about Chanyeol. He didn't push her away this time though his body was rigid, and she took that as progress, squeezing his larger hand as if to convey support without words, and feeling relieved when he squeezed hers back.

Jongdae and Yixing stopped teasing each other after a little bit and they all sat extraordinarily quiet, watching the fountain in the middle of the courtyard and lost in their own thoughts. Chanyeol slowly seemed to lose the tension in his body, eventually letting his head fall to rest on hers and letting her lean on him properly. 

He was so warm and it felt so good to be with him like this that she'd really started to consider what Jongdae said. She thought about saying it right then, just turning around and whispering it to him. She tried to imagine a good reaction but she couldn't help also imagining the bad. Would he push her away? Or gape at her, not understanding? Would he excuse himself suddenly, say that he needed to be somewhere? Would he be disgusted by her? Scared of her? Not be able to touch her or look at her-

She curled into him a little bit more, why should she spoil everything? This was fine the way it was, even if she did feel like a liar, like she was hiding in someone else's skin. But then, she thought about the small string of girls that Chanyeol had gone on dates with in their first year. Chanyeol could never like her the same way if he believed she was a boy. Coming out to him was her only chance and yet it could also destroy everything. The indecision made her stomach turn.

He'd been so caring and considerate since they'd started hanging out again; he wouldn't hurt her on purpose. She could imagine even if he thought she was confused or sick in the head, he’d probably still try to go about it nicely. The idea made her ache deep inside, and she was reminded of how much she loved Jongdae and everything he’d done; how much she needed him and would probably need him in the future. But Jongdae was right, again; she couldn’t judge Chanyeol before she’d actually opened up and let him in. She couldn’t push him away again. Besides, Jongdae trusted him, and that had to mean something.

They were forced to detangle when Jongdae started complaining that he had tons of homework to finish. Yixing and Baekhyun bullied him about his bad organisation skills and Baekhyun made sure not to let go of Chanyeol's hand until they had to split up at the train station.

He pulled her in for a rough hug then, and she was squished against him, surrounded by his fresh, nectarine scent as he buried his face in her shoulder. It made her sure that there was still something wrong that he wasn't telling her, but she just hugged him back, ignoring the heat in her cheeks and waving as he got on his train with Yixing.

Jongdae was in an extremely good mood all the way home and she was pretty sure it had a lot to do with Yixing's surprise visit - she wasn't clear on exactly why though. 

She avoided her mum when she got home so that she could hide the bags in the bottom of her wardrobe quickly. Dinner was pleasant enough, her mum hadn't been called in that day and so she'd been able to mostly relax at home. As a midwife, she had set shifts, but because she was on-call, she often got dragged in whenever they needed her. Baekhyun knew they made terrible conversation nowadays, because they had nothing in common, but her mum was making an effort to talk about things she might like, and so Baekhyun tried her best to reply with some effort as well. 

Her mum mostly asked about her _good friend_ _Jongdae_ and Baekhyun decided to drop the bomb that she'd rejoined the choir again, with Jongdae. After that, her mum seemed set on the idea that Jongdae was a good influence, and sent Baekhyun to bed with an invitation for her to bring her _good friend_ around for dinner whenever she wanted. Baekhyun chose to look at it as progress. She also told her mum about staying at Chanyeol's tomorrow night. She thought about what her mum would say about Chanyeol sneaking her into a club. If _good friend Jongdae_ was the good influence then did that make Chanyeol the no-good street kid who would lead her into temptation? She laughed aloud.

If anything, she'd be the one dragging Chanyeol into things he'd never thought about before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is actually the first half of this chapter because it was getting long so I decided to cut it, basically meaning the next one will be in baek's POV as well


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some misogynistic/transphobic-y moments in this one, so just a heads up.
> 
> ((Random note: I've been having some weird trouble with writing past tense recently, so if I'm switching between tenses I'm super sorry, I have no idea what's going on with my brain.))

The next morning was mostly full of her waking up at noon and terrifying herself when she thought she'd missed her meeting with Chanyeol. Thankfully, they were meeting in the evening, and she wound down in the shower, trying not to feel embarrassed that she’d asked her mum to buy her the same shower gel that Chanyeol used because the smell of it was calming.

Her mum had left a note on the fridge saying she'd been called into the hospital and that there was rice in the fridge. Baekhyun downed it in about five minutes. Her hair was flopping into her eyes now, but she flicked it away, the longer the better. She thought to when Chanyeol had noticed her eyeliner at lunch, had said it looked _nice_ , and made a split second decision to put it on again, a little more obvious this time because Chanyeol was right, lots of guys wore makeup now, she shouldn't feel so worried that she’d be singled out.

It had been a while since anything like that had happened anyway, but there were some scars that took longer to heal. She remembered how embarrassed she'd been to bring it up with Jongdae, because she hadn’t known him that well, and everyone was so used to her being immune to everything. Being bullied didn’t suit her, her older brother had said once. She could see why he’d think so - she’d never had a problem with being loud, or absorbing attention; she loved people talking to her, loved being _social_. She’d had a confidence that she wasn’t afraid to broadcast. It didn’t make sense that bullies would target her, because she’d seen the films that said that bullies targeted people who were isolated and awkward, and that had been nothing like her.

It was strange to think about it now; strange to think about how it had built up. The first time she’d been knocked over in the hallway, she’d been with Yixing, and he’d helped her up carefully, shaking his head at whatever mystery person had accidently knocked into them without apologising. Baekhyun hadn’t thought on it, until the day after, when it had happened again. She’d been alone among the crowd of students between lessons and had managed to drop her books that time. She’d huffed loudly, crouching down to gather what she could before it got completely trampled, and there’d been a grip on her shoulder and hot breath at her ear. She still didn’t know why the atmosphere had seemed off instantly, but she’d tensed up and the person had spoken.

“Bending over like that makes you look like a bitch. Are you a little bitch?”

She hadn’t been able to breathe, hands freezing halfway to the floor – something stopping her from turning around and cursing dramatically. Her universe had narrowed down to that moment, to the trapped feeling of the hand on her shoulder and the voice in her ear, and she’d only recently tried to speak with her brother about the fact that she felt uncomfortable going to the toilet with other boys, only to have him tell her to _“man up”,_ and something cracked. She’d whispered, “no”, back to her captor, and she’d cemented herself as prey.

It only got worse from there, and it was just kids being mean, she hardly remembered what they looked like, but she was more alone than ever. Her confidence shrivelled up, she couldn’t keep up with Chanyeol anymore, was only just getting to know Jongdae, and her brother had told her never to bring up any of her strange thoughts with their mum; said she’d send Baekhyun to a doctor. Her bullies were disgusting and misogynistic; they were a small group that whispered things to her in between classes or as she was leaving the school, and she didn’t understand to this day, why she’d let it go on for so long. It was as if she thought that they could sense something inside of her that she already felt ashamed of. Jongdae had been so angry when he’d found out, he’d organised his own lessons so he’d be able to escort her from class to class, employing Yixing when he couldn’t. He wouldn’t even listen to her protests about it.

It stopped after awhile. She supposed she became too much effort with friends around her, not worth their time. She couldn’t get back what they’d taken though. They’d taken her confidence, her _personality_ , and then her brother had left too.

She wondered if Chanyeol could see how much she’d changed, wondered if he was waiting for the person she’d used to be to finally come out. Sometimes she wondered what things would be like now if she’d been honest with Chanyeol about everything that happened. She dragged herself back to her bedroom, falling onto her bed with a giant sigh and hearing the buzz of her phone on her bedside table.

CY: _are you still coming today?_

CY: _it’s okay if you don’t want to.. or if you.. have other plans with jongdae or smth_

CY: _don’t feel obligated, i know i kinda pushed you to come so don’t worry_

CY: _and i know i was being weird yesterday, i’m really sorry_

CY: _baekhyun…?_

Baekhyun fingers made a mad scramble across the screen.

BH: _Chanyeol!_

BH: _Sorry! I wasn’t ignoring you, I just lost track of time. Forgive me?_

BH: _Of course I’m still coming, silly._

Baekhyun smiled at Chanyeol’s immediate response.

CY: _oh!_ _(_ _≧_ _∇_ _≦_ _) that’s good I mean that’s great actually_

They organized to meet at eight, and so Baekhyun was just left with the killer decision of what to wear. Heading to her wardrobe, her eyes rested on the bag from yesterday, and she considered it for a hot second before tossing the idea out of her head. What did people wear to clubs? Chanyeol had made it seem like a casual thing but that still didn’t give her any idea how casual she was supposed to go. All she’d been wearing recently were big sweatshirts because she felt like she could swim in them, so comfy and cute and perfect at drawing no attention to her frame.

It wasn’t that she thought she was ugly, but her body was just so far from what she imagined it should look like. Sometimes it pulled at her so much that she had to go to sleep to avoid it, but after yesterday she was starting to make some real progress. She found herself continuously thinking about how she’d looked in the dress and it made her a bit excited to wear different clothes suddenly, to finally pull her wardrobe apart after so long.

Skinny jeans were a must, mostly because Jongdae liked to remind her that even if her hips weren’t as wide as she’d like, they were much wider than his own, and she’d been trying squats recently to work towards her bubble butt. She found her nicest shirt, so named because of its Peter Pan collar. It was long-sleeved and deep red, and she had to take a minute to adjust to the way it was so fitted to her figure. Her jeans were black and so she decided to raid her mum’s wardrobe for a light black jumper, grabbing a choker while she was there as well. Her mum wouldn’t notice because she never wore that stuff anymore.

Baekhyun passed the remaining time nervously modelling in front of her mirror and meticulously doing her makeup. Ending up with an hour spare, she retreated to her room to organise all of her new stationary. Her stationary obsession was growing, as was her obsession with collecting stickers to cover that stationary with. Halfway through decorating every single new Muji pen with colour-coded vegetable stickers, she glanced over at her buzzing phone.

JD: _Have fun tonight!!_

Her eyes flashed to the time; 7:25 and it’d take her at least half an hour on the train. She shoved her feet into her Chelsea boots, flying out the door, and speed walking to the train station. She shot Chanyeol a text, compulsively checking the time on her phone as she fidgeted in her seat on the train. By the time she arrived at her stop, Chanyeol was leaning against the wall of the station with his earphones in. He had his black leather jacket on, and she bit her lip to keep from grinning; she remembered what he'd said ages back, when he'd first started going on dates. _"A leather jacket is the perfect date jacket, Baek. Everyone looks hot in a leather jacket. Everyone."_

He spotted her and rushed over, slowing up comically as he actually _looked_ at her. "Wow, you’re really pretty." He blubbered. “I mean, you look really pretty. Today. But also on other days. Sometimes. Oh my god.” She couldn’t even feel embarrassed by the compliment because he looked so funny muttering to himself.

"Thanks. That's a nice jacket." She managed to keep from laughing. "Are you feeling better?"

“Much better.” He nodded, stepping close to her and his eyes were so hopeful. When she smiled, Chanyeol bounced on the balls of his feet. “Ready to go?” 

She nodded, unprepared and underage. Chanyeol tentatively put his hand out for her to take before leading her out of the station. They swerved in and around people as he made a beeline through the people crowding the streets. Baekhyun let him pull her along, taken with the city at night, because she didn’t go there often. She craned her neck up at tall buildings ringed with nightlights, feeling small and excited. Chanyeol’s grip on her hand kept her grounded, and she realised they’d stopped then, him watching her scan the environment with an amused look on his face.

“It’s nice.” He said.

“Mm,” she nodded.

“So that’s Exodus.” He said with a deep breath, gesturing to a dark, modern looking building across the street. “But we won’t be going in the front,” his said, puffing his chest out with bravado, “because we’re VIPs.”

She rolled her eyes at him but her stomach fluttered with nerves. Would she have to talk to anyone? Chanyeol seemed to imply that he didn’t spend much time with other people while he was there, but who knew. She followed him around the back, where he immediately started waving excitedly at a tall, _taller than Chanyeol_ , blonde man watching the door.

Said man rolled his eyes. “Do you have to be so obvious, Chanyeol? God, it’s like you want us to get in trouble.”

Chanyeol put his hands down quickly. “Sorry, Kris.” He muttered, before gesturing over at Baekhyun with a sheepish smile. “This is my bes- uh, my good friend, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun shrunk a bit under the intensity of Kris’ dark-eyed stare, but Chanyeol’s squeeze on her hand made her feel better. Kris rolled his eyes again then and sighed. “Go in then.” He said shortly. “Behave yourselves. And Chanyeol, you’d better tell your sister she owes me for letting you bring a plus one.”

Baekhyun blushed, but Chanyeol laughed. He pulled her through the back door to a dimly lit corridor that was nothing special. The thumping music was intense though, and also the fact that Chanyeol was practically vibrating with excitement. It was cute. Up a staircase and through one more set of double doors and they were looking out over an indoor balcony. The whole place was flooded with deep purple LED light, and past the balcony below them was what Chanyeol called ‘The Box’. It was a large room, full of people, and the music came from the floor below; a giant, intimidating sound system manned by two DJs.

“See, we’re far away from all the sweaty, drunk people.” He grinned, leaning close so that she could hear him. Baekhyun averted her eyes from all the people grinding and jumping around. On their level, there weren’t any actual VIP people in attendance, but there were plush, black sofas, low glass tables and a shiny, intimidating-looking bar all the way at the end. Catching the direction of her gaze, Chanyeol gave a small chuckle. “We’re not allowed anywhere near there.”

“Have you ever tried?” Baekhyun asked, maybe to stop herself from thinking about how she had never been anywhere like this and it was loud and electrifying and so far from her comfort zone. She willed down the slight itchiness in her skin.

“No point. Kris doesn’t mess around. Neither does Yoora.”

“Mm, I kinda miss seeing her flick your ears whenever you said something dumb.”

Chanyeol covered his ears at that comment and she followed him over to the sofas, sinking down next to him instead of across from him so she’d be able to look away. He immediately told her to press her hands to the pretty black glass of the table though, and she did, feeling the rumble of the bass shake through the table more than it was already shaking through her body. She felt a little drunk on the environment, reluctant to really meet Chanyeol’s eyes as he couldn’t help but wiggle to the music next to her.

She’d known that this place would probably be chock full of house and dubstep, which wasn’t exactly her cup of tea, but Chanyeol had looked so hopeful and excited for her to come that there was now way she could have turned him down. Chanyeol had asked her out, which was pretty much her dream, so she figured she should make the most of this, nerves be damned.

Baekhyun turned to Chanyeol only to find him with his head back against the edge of the sofa, slouching in his seat and looking strangely blissful. He cracked an eye open when she poked his knee. “You really weren’t kidding about just coming here to listen to the music, huh?”

He laughed, scratching his neck. “Ah, yeah, sorry. But you can feel it, right?” He reached out to press a hand flat to her chest and her heart skipped, or borderline smashed through, about five beats. “You can feel the bass right here.” He lifted his hand, sighing with his eyes closed and making her breath catch. “I love it.”

She opened her mouth to speak; feeling surprised at herself when nothing seemed to be coming out. Chanyeol seemed to realise something, his eyes widening and happy smile falling from his face.

“Oh _crap_ , I totally forgot you said you didn’t like EDM. Oh my _god_ , I’m the worst.” He laughed painfully. “I’m sorry, Baek, you must think I brought you here to torture you. Gosh, I can’t do anything right.” He put his head in his hands as Baekhyun struggled for words.

“I don’t mind it like this,” she said, bravely putting her hand on his knee. “It’s not so bad here.” She gave a little smile.

He collapsed to the side, draping himself over her shoulder and she opened her mouth in surprise. “Really?” He asked, muffled.

“Yeah. Besides, I don’t get out much so…anything’s exciting.” 

Chanyeol sighed heavily, and his breath hit her neck. She shivered when he spoke. “I just wanted to show you some place cool. Share it with you. Like, how we used to share stuff.”

“I like it.” She said, throat clogging slightly. Then again more firmly, “I like it.”

Chanyeol pulled back to grin at her. “I’m just gonna run to the toilet, okay?” And Baekhyun almost smiled at the nostalgia because Chanyeol always needed to pee when he got too excited or nervous. “When I come back we can have a dance party, okay?” She looked at him blankly until his lips pulled up at the sides. “And by dance party I obviously mean me dancing and you silently judging me, yeah?”

She nodded enthusiastically at that option and Chanyeol hurried off to the bathroom, leaving her to mostly stare at her own shoes until a woman with short, red-dyed hair tapped her on the shoulder. She momentarily freaked out without Chanyeol with her – he was her ticket into this place! Would they throw her out? The woman was clearly a staff member and Baekhyun swallowed.

“You’re here with Park Yoora’s brother, right?” The woman asked first, and Baekhyun nodded fiercely, relief making her slouch backwards. “Can I get you a snack? Chanyeol usually devours all the peanuts, but we’ve got some cheese and onion snacks too.”

“I’ll, uh, just have whatever Chanyeol’s having.”

The woman smiled kindly. “Okay then, thank you, Mister…? Miss?”

Baekhyun blinked dumbly, mouth open in a little ‘o’. Was she actually being asked her pronouns? She almost choked on her own saliva in her haste to say _Miss_.

“M- Miss. Baekhyun. Miss.”

The woman nodded at her, “thank you, Miss Baekhyun,” and Baekhyun felt a bit like she’d been christened.

She was bouncing with excitement when Chanyeol returned, about to tell him what had happened before she snapped her mouth shut in realisation. Chanyeol didn’t… Chanyeol didn’t know because she hadn’t told him and what was she thinking? What was she doing giving herself away like this in a place that Chanyeol came to all the time? Her face must have dropped at his arrival because he frowned at her as he sat down.

“Are you okay? Sorry, did I do something?”

She shook her head quickly. “I just remembered something I’d forgotten. It’s nothing.” She added. “Someone came over to offer snacks… I think they’re just going to bring whatever you usually have.”

“Yummy.” He smiled, before freezing as the song changed. “Please tell me you know this one!” He said, dramatically clutching her shoulder.

She rolled her eyes at him before nodding. It was vaguely familiar; in fact, Chanyeol had probably played it at his own party. He looked like he wanted to pull her up and dance with her, so she shrunk away a bit just in case. He stood up on his own then and she grinned in advance, because he was stupidly funny to her - he just knew what made her laugh, and it was a nice feeling as she curled up on the sofa while choking with laughter at his weird movements. He was in time at least, even if he wasn’t graceful. She peeked a glance at the staff at the bar and saw them giggling too. At least everyone was in agreement that Chanyeol was a funny idiot. Especially because she could deny how much she liked him like this.

Her cheek were flushed from laughing when he eventually collapsed next to her, after apparently exhausting his catalogue of awkward repetitive arm movements. He tugged off his jacket and laughed with her, sweat making his forehead shiny. Before he could speak, the staff member that Baekhyun had spoken to before came over with a tray of snacks. “You’ll need these after all that dancing.” She smirked at Chanyeol, and Baekhyun laughed again at Chanyeol’s embarrassed smile. The woman paused before leaving, “you know, Chanyeol, you haven’t properly introduced me to your,” and for a moment Baekhyun was sure she was going to say _girl_ friend and her heart stopped, “friend yet.”

Chanyeol sat up. “Oh right! Yeah, Baekhyun’s my childhood friend, we’ve been kinda catching up recently, and he doesn’t actually like these kind of places but he’s super cool, so he came for me anyway.” Chanyeol eyes crinkled in a cute smile and Baekhyun’s tummy flooded with a warm feeling.

The woman smiled too, and if she noticed the difference in pronoun, she didn’t say anything. Baekhyun noticed her tongue piercing as it caught the light. It looked cool, she looked cool, and Baekhyun felt a sudden appreciation for her aesthetic, wishing she could pull off such natural coolness, the attractive kind of mystery. Chanyeol seemed endeared to her, thanking her by the hand for the snacks and smiling until she went on her way. Did Chanyeol like girls like her? Baekhyun tried to feel inspired by her instead of slightly jealous. Jealous wouldn’t have suited her in the past either, but Baekhyun had more than enough insecurity to go around now. 

Chanyeol ate like a starving man, as he talked about the sound system and how cool it would be if the school had one just like this one because the band’s music would sound so good, and Baekhyun was starting to feel itchy around her neck. The insistent purple glow was grating on her brain and she didn’t want to be a spoil sport when Chanyeol had been so excited to bring her here, but letting panic attacks build up probably wasn’t a great idea either. She sucked it up and interrupted Chanyeol as he started to bring up her singing and the choir.

“Do you think we could maybe leave? I mean, you don’t have to come but I’m not sure I know my way back to the station.”

Chanyeol broke off, nodding quickly. “Yes, yeah, of course! Of course I’m coming with you. Don’t worry about it, Baekhyun, sorry, come on, you want to go, let’s go.” 

They left rather quickly and Baekhyun felt far better once they were outside again, taking deep breaths of the cold night air as Chanyeol slid a tentative hand around her shoulders. “Is this okay?” He asked quietly, and she nodded. He pulled her closer as they walked.

“Sorry.” Chanyeol said again, and Baekhyun was confused by why he was apologising when she was the one who was having trouble functioning in normal situations. “Did Jongdae think it was weird that I invited you here?” He followed up as they crossed the road.

She frowned. “Why would he?”

“Well, you don’t like EDM, or drunk people, or… too much of… you know, like interaction? Sorry, I don’t know if that’s it. But I’m not sure sometimes what you don’t like, and I really wish I were. But it’s your choice to tell me. I just- I could be more like Jongdae if I knew what made you uncomfortable, I could help more and be less annoying.”

She pulled on his arm and they stopped on the side of the street, next to a closed café. “You’re not annoying. You don’t need to be like Jongdae. Chanyeol… You already- You’re fine, it’s just me… I’m- I’m bad at this.”

He looked so earnest as he stared into her eyes and she felt terrible. “But Jongdae knows exactly what’s wrong sometimes and I just wish…” He looks away suddenly. “Sorry, I’m being annoying right now, aren’t I? Urgh.”

What was all this about Jongdae? It seemed almost silly to consider it but Chanyeol sounded almost _jealous_. But of her friendship with Jongdae? God, it was silly. Didn’t he realise how different it was? It only hit her now how things must have looked to Chanyeol. She’d pushed him away and found Jongdae, and yes, they were close, but Chanyeol had to know it wasn’t the same. Things had never been casual with Chanyeol; they’d always had something special, be it their intense childhood friendship or Baekhyun’s current messed up feelings.

“Chanyeol, it’s not the same. With Jongdae- It’s not the same, okay? What we have is different - me and you, it’s different, yeah?” She cringed. Why didn’t she know how to speak? 

Chanyeol’s face was blank. “Yeah. I get it. I know. And I’m not like that anyway, so it’s okay.” Baekhyun was beyond confused. “Sorry if I made you think- Let’s just- Let me take you home, yeah?”

Baekhyun’s stomach had already started lurching from this conversation and so she nodded, anxious to get back to her bed and curl up. She could just tell her mum that she’d changed her mind about staying with Chanyeol. Chanyeol didn’t touch her much on the way home, even when she attempted to rest her head on his shoulder on the train.

She didn’t know how to tell him that he was fine, that she just wanted to slowly remember what it was like to be around him again, and he already tried so hard to be considerate and that was all Baekhyun needed really. It hurt that she’d probably made Chanyeol this way, made him doubt himself all the time because she couldn’t even tell him why she’d pushed him away in the first place. Why did she even think that he could like her the way she liked him, when she continued to mess him around like this? Why was he still trying so hard to be her friend after everything?

When she rose to get off at her station, she said a quick goodbye to him and he gave her a tired smile that made her feel worse if anything. By the time she got in the door of her house, she was gasping to get out of her clothes. She called a quick greeting to her mum sitting in the living room before running upstairs, hoping her mum didn’t catch a look at her. By the time she was out of her clothes and under the spray of the shower, she realised her dysphoria was crawling up her back again. She gave into the desire to close her eyes again, wrapping herself in towels after and heading to her wardrobe to search for pyjamas.

Her eyes jumped to the place where she’d left her shopping bag out while searching earlier. Her stomach dropped. It had clearly been touched. Did her mum-

“Baekhyun.” She turned around slowly to face her mum standing in the doorway. She felt so exposed there in her towel that she almost visibly shook. “Are you okay?” Her mum asked hesitantly. 

She nodded because her voice was nowhere to be found.

“Baek, I know you don’t like talking much, but… you seem to be…” Her eyes flicked to the bag and Baekhyun was terrified. “It feels like you're going through some issues recently and I just thought you might want to talk to me about it.”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? It’s not that boy is it? Jongdae? He’s your boyfriend, isn’t he? Is he forcing you to do things?” Baekhyun couldn’t force the words out of her mouth. “Does he want you to wear that?” Her mum pointed a finger over at the bag, and Baekhyun almost fell over from the sheer humiliation of the entire conversation. 

She shook her head, hands twisting into the material of the fluffy white towel wrapped around her body.

“You don’t need to lie, Baekhyun,” her mum said, sounding about as upset as Baekhyun felt, “you can tell me. I can help you, I just want to help.”

“Stop.” She choked out. “Go away.”

“Baekhyun! I only want to help!” Her mother was even shorter than her and she had Baekhyun’s droopy eyes and ability to look especially pitiful at times, and Baekhyun wished she could melt away and become a towel herself. “If someone’s trying to talk you into doing things you think are strange, Baek, then it’s okay to talk to someone. I feel like… I hardly know you anymore. I know you’re a bit different, and you like to have your space but… you look so sad all the time, when am I supposed to step in? You’re always with that boy, Jongdae, how do I know what kind of boy he is?"

"Mum, stop."

"You didn't even tell me you liked boys, Baekhyun, you just one day started this... Whatever it is with this Jongdae and now you've got dresses in your bedroom, I... What am I supposed to say?" 

"Mum!" Her voice broke and it was enough to get her mum to stop talking. "I have a brain, you know, I know how to make choices. I don't want help, I just want you to let me be." 

"But what does this all mean? Are you trying to get back at me for something? You used to be so loud and happy. What happened? Did I do something? I know I'm not around a lot but you know I take all the work I can get so we have enough money to get by. Your brother-"

Baekhyun eyes flashed at her. "I thought we didn't talk about him anymore."

"We don't talk, period. Your brother constantly hid things and then got angry when people didn't like suddenly finding out. Are you doing the same thing on purpose?" 

Baekhyun felt a spike of anger at her mum absolving any blame from herself. "Mum! Why now? Please! Please, I'm tired."

"Why didn't you sleep over at Chanyeol's?"

"I changed my mind."

Her mum was silent, then she cocked her head. "Did he find out you were gay?"

Baekhyun was ready to explode. "Get out! Out! I'm finished with the conversation, please, leave me alone." She said, walking forward until she was ready to close the door. She'd never been this rude to her mum but she was second from crying with frustration and she couldn’t let her mum see that.

Her mum looked at the floor. "You know, ages back, Chanyeol came to the house to talk to me. He asked me if something had happened with you recently because you'd stopped hanging out with him. I thought it was because of Baekbeom leaving and I knew you didn't like it when people pried into your problems, so I said you'd probably talk to him when you were ready. But you didn't tell him anything, did you? And now you won't tell me anything either." Her mum sighed. 

Baekhyun remembered what her brother had said before he'd left.  _"Don't even think of telling mum, Baekkie," he'd spoken forcefully. "If she can't even handle me then there's no way she's gonna think you're normal."_ Baekbeomhadn't really understood her, but she still missed him so much; more now that she had nowhere to run to with her mum like this. If there had been one thing that he'd made sure she understood, it was that keeping things to yourself was sometimes the best thing to do; honestly didn't always mean that things would turn out alright, and small lies were a small price to pay for keeping everyone happy.

She shut the door numbly when her mum eventually turned away and left her. She didn't even reach the bed before she was sinking down to the floor and sniffing back tears. Her instinct was to reach for her phone and call Jongdae, so she did.

He took longer than usual to pick up, and when he did, he was breathy and high-pitched. "Hey Baekkie, what's up? Aren't you at Chanyeol's?"

She struggled to find the words she needs instead of just crying down the phone because it always scared Jongdae when she did that. He easily picked up on the silence though and questioned her again, quietly.

"Baekhyun, is everything okay?" 

"No," she managed. Then she heard a little giggle and Jongdae shushing someone in the background. Oh god, she'd interrupted him while he was hanging out with someone and now she was going to ruin his night. The guilt just piled up.

Once she’d managed to get out what happened, Jongdae gave her his usual positive pep talk until she could function enough to stand up and get dressed. She fell asleep to the sound of the playlist he'd insisted on sending her, and she was too scared and exhausted to look at her phone when a flurry of texts buzzed through from Chanyeol.

CY: _sorry if you're asleep rn, i just wanted to make sure you were okay. i was a giant tool bag tonight so i just wanted to say that i meant what i said about you being super cool and i know i introduce you as a good/childhood friend or whatever but actually, you're still my best friend_

CY: _even after all this time i don't have any friends that are as close to me as you. you were my best friend all those years ago and you're still my best friend now, okay? it doesn't matter if i'm not yours, and i don't care about anyone else, i'm sorry for being stupid about jongdae (please don't tell him what i said, i really like him, i don't want him to think i'm an ass even if maybe i am?) i just get frustrated easily and i took it out on you, i’m really sorry_

CY: _please say we can still be friends, but i understand if you'd rather end things again_

CY: _just please come to the band's performance next week, there's something i want to give you_

CY: _goodnight baekhyun_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the angst, I don't like making baekkie cry
> 
> I had a weird week though so I'm sorry if it bled into this
> 
> the comments that people have left are so nice and yes I do read over them like a million times for inspiration so yeah thank you seriously


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is dedicated to a really amazing person who left me probably the most unintentionally motivating message I've ever read. Thank you, Jojo. Seriously, I'm so so happy for you.

Chanyeol woke to the drawn out whine of his friend, Sehun, who insisted on calling him at six o’clock in the morning on band practice days because that was when he had to get up in order to make it there on time, which meant he would spitefully force Chanyeol to wake up then too. He regretted ever thinking that staying out late on a Sunday was a good idea.

"Mum..." Chanyeol groaned as he flopped his feet down the stairs.

"What is it, pancake? I'm leaving soon." His mother called back. At least he was up early enough that she hadn’t left for work yet.

"Everything sucks." He pouted as he found her searching for her keys in the fruit bowl on the kitchen counter. She was already completely dressed, straight dark hair falling down the back of her white blouse. He rubbed his eye. Why couldn't he be a morning person like his parents?

"What do you mean? What's wrong?" She asked, hands still rummaging around.

"They're probably still in your coat from yesterday." He sighed. She gave him a bright look before rushing off to find her coat. "Mum, I don't feel good."

She stopped to scrape her hair up into a quick bun. "Then take a painkiller, sweetie, and inhale some of that fresh air on the way to school. You don't want any unnecessary absences on your record."

"No- I didn't mean it like that. I acted stupid and upset one of my friends. I want to bury myself in a hole." Chanyeol slumped over the kitchen counter and his mother ran a hand through his hair when she trailed past again.

"You've always been great at charming people, Chanyeol. Just tell them you're sorry, and be sincere." 

"I did that..."

"Then you just have to wait for them to come around. Don't rush it." 

He lifted his head to look over at his mother. She shrugged on her coat and smiled at him, before rolling her eyes and putting out her arms. He jumped up, rushing over to give her a hug, and bending down to make them level.

"Don't worry so much." She said, warmly. "You and Baekhyun are both more grown up now. You can communicate better."

Chanyeol spluttered. "What? How did you know I was talking about Baekhyun?"

She laughed and pinched his cheek. "Come on, Chanyeollie. He's been the main subject of your dinner conversation since you boys starting hanging out again."

"That's not true..." He grumbled as his mum smiled knowingly.

"Have a good day!" She chimed as she released him and opened the door. "Don't be late for school!"

He went back to dramatically collapsing over the kitchen counter after she was gone, until he eventually had to drag himself upstairs and get ready to face the day.

Sehun arrived to the practice room bang on time, dragging Tao with him, who looked like he'd also been a victim of one of Sehun's early wake-up calls. 

"Where's Minseok and Lu?" Sehun snapped instantly, as he saw that it was just the three of them so far. Chanyeol sighed. 

"Just get everything set up, I'm sure they'll be here soon."

"We didn't wake up at six in the morning for nothing..." Sehun started complaining to Tao as Chanyeol tried to mentally drown him out and look for his drumsticks.

He checked his phone since he had another chance, scrolling through his messages from yesterday. Nothing. It wasn't that he expected Baekhyun to reply to him, he just couldn't stop hoping. The more time passed, the worse he felt; he really wished he could control his emotions sometimes. 

"Have you texted them yet?" Sehun said from beside him suddenly. "Where are they?"

"Oh, uh, not yet."

"So who are you talking to?"

"No one." Chanyeol said, inwardly face palming because he knew he'd sounded way too defensive.

"I bet it's Baekhyun." Sehun said shortly, studying him. Then he turned his head a bit. "Chanyeol's doing the Baekhyun-face again, Tao."

"Okay." Tao called back.

"So is there trouble in paradise?" Sehun sneered, putting his finger to his chin in mock-interest.

Chanyeol knew that Sehun didn't actually want to know, but he couldn't help it, he didn't have anyone else to talk to and he was desperate for some kind of advice. "Sehun... I think I messed things up again."

Sehun groaned exasperatedly. "Please no, you've only just started hanging out with him again, what the hell did you do? Are we going to have to listen to you go into freaky Baekhyun-withdrawal for a second time? I don't think I can take it."

Chanyeol leant forward to cling to Sehun as his friend sighed. "What am I gonna do if he stops talking to me?" 

"I dunno, maybe talk to your other friends. Like me, for example? You know, the guy who was your best friend for two years when Baekhyun got tired of you, and was then instantly replaced by the same awkward shorty the second he decided to give you the time of day. I dunno. Maybe that guy. He's alright." 

Chanyeol pulled back slowly, dragging his eyes over Sehun's face. The younger looked surprisingly vulnerable. "Forget it." Sehun muttered.

"No! I'm sorry, I didn't know... I didn't mean to do that- to make you feel like that, it's just that he... I've been waiting for him... He's my..."

"Your long-lost childhood friend, yeah. You've told me. I get it."

"Sorry."

"It's whatever."

"There's actually... There's something else. He's not replacing you, it's different, I think I..."

Sehun cocked his head. "What?"

Chanyeol's throat almost clogged up, hands clenching into the material of Sehun's blazer. It was a whisper. "I think I like him."

"Uh, yeah, we've all gathered that you like him, Chanyeol." He said casually, but his eyes narrowed.

His face felt distinctly hot. "No, I mean, I think I _like_ -like-"

"Sorry, guys! Sorry we're late!" Luhan's voice rang through the practice room. Chanyeol pulled away from Sehun, shaking his head quickly as if to clear his mind. 

"Okay, at least you're here," he replied a little shakily. "Let's run through the new song again, guys."

The practice went surprisingly well, despite the fact that Chanyeol kept sneaking looks over at Sehun because he wasn't sure if his friend had understood what he meant before, and it was making him more anxious than he already was. He didn't even know what Sehun thought about all that stuff; they'd certainly never talked about it; though Chanyeol couldn't really see his friend as an outright homophobe, he was pretty sure he couldn't continue to be his friend if he was.

He'd always chatted about girls with Sehun, it had been that way from the beginning, like default. Sehun liked to tease Chanyeol when they met short cute girls because Chanyeol had decided that that was his type. In general, he liked to feel protective over his friends, and little, smiley people were good people to be around. 

Sehun, on the other hand, liked sweet girls that could put up with his whining and bring him out of his snarky turtle shell. It had always been like that. Chanyeol had never really stopped to think if he was really attracted to them the way he was supposed to be. It was fun flirting with girls and going on dates with girls, but Chanyeol thought it was just as fun playing around with his guy friends. Maybe he was like Yixing; maybe he liked both? Sehun had always been jealous that he was so comfortable around the girls in their school, never tripping over himself with nerves like Sehun did, just casual and enthusiastic. 

But why didn't they make him nervous? Why didn't first dates make his heart pick up the way it did when Baekhyun simply smiled at him? Why did his stomach do somersaults when he so much as held Baekhyun's hand? Did it mean he was gay if he'd only ever felt this way with one boy? 

But then, he'd never felt this way with any girl; he'd never wanted to dance with anyone so bad the way he had back at Exodus, or touch anyone's lips to his the way he did when Baekhyun listened to him so intently, a smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. It had never been so bittersweet to be around anyone but Baekhyun. He wished he could talk to him about all of this. 

Chanyeol avoided Sehun after practice, which was easy because they didn't have any classes together until the afternoon. He didn't see Baekhyun until lunch, and one look over at Baekhyun's lunch table told him that he wasn't wanted. Baekhyun had his head in Jongdae's lap, uncaring of the funny looks that people were sending them, as Jongdae leisurely stoked a hand through his hair. It was getting long. Chanyeol torturously imagined himself in Jongdae's place. 

His heart hurt as he went to sit down with Sehun, Jongin and Tao, realising how weird it was when they all looked up at him at the same time. "Can I sit here?" He asked in a small voice, looking at Sehun because he knew it was really only him that would tell him to leave. "Please."

"Fine." Sehun said, and Chanyeol sat down next to him with a breath of relief, and linking their arms because he couldn't help being touchy and clingy when he was upset. 

Jongin gave him a sympathetic look. "What happened? I saw Baekhyun looking pretty down this morning. Did you guys have a fight or something?"

"Kinda, not really..."

"He doesn't want to talk about it." Sehun replied for him, which was totally untrue because he was desperate to unload his feelings everywhere, but maybe Sehun was right. Now probably wasn't the best time. He tried not to peek looks over at Jongdae and Baekhyun but he couldn't help it. 

It only made him feel more and more sick, the way that Baekhyun curled his fingers through Jongdae's. Where was Yixing? Didn't Yixing ever find it annoying being a third wheel in their relationship? He looked away to find Sehun's sharp eyes on him. "Wait for me after school." He said under his breath and Chanyeol nodded solemnly.

Waiting for Sehun outside the school gates meant that he caught Yixing on his way out as well, but devoid of his usual companions and so Chanyeol took the opportunity to grab him. 

"Woah! Uh, hey Chanyeol!"

"Hi, sorry, Yixing, I just wanted to talk to you for a second. I didn't see you at lunch today, and you weren't in music."

"Oh right!" Yixing's eyes widened. "I was off timetable for most of the day. I've been organising a charity event for the school. I think it's going to be happening when your band has their first performance actually - I think they want us to take advantage of the crowds."

"Not sure if there'll be crowds." Chanyeol laughed nervously. "A few stragglers maybe."

"Aw, don't be so hard on yourself. Jongdae and Baekhyun said you guys sounded great. And your mixes are probably the best in our class. You'll be fine, Chanyeol." Yixing smiled with a pat to Chanyeol's shoulder.

"Thanks, Xing. Uh, has Baekhyun... said anything about me? Today?"

Yixing furrowed his eyebrows. "Oh. I haven't really spoken to him today. He was pretty quiet in business though, but then he's never really loud."

Chanyeol had a minor flashback to the loud Baekhyun he'd once known. Rather than better or worse, that Baekhyun had at least seemed happier. 

"Okay, don't worry about it." Chanyeol mumbled. 

"If...there's something you want to clear up with him, it's best to do it sooner than later. I think he has a tendency to overthink things... Jongdae... Jongdae said he often overthinks things."

"Right. Yeah. Okay. Jongdae."

"Mm." Yixing nodded, looking a little concerned. "Are you okay?"

"Fine! Actually, I think I see Sehun. I was waiting for him. Thanks for stopping for me though, hope I didn't make you miss your bus or anything."

"Nah, it's fine, I was going to wait for Jongdae anyway."

And that was Chanyeol's cue to leave. He really needed to sort himself out. "Sehun!" He called, waving at the far away figure of his friend. Sehun waved back and managed to summon the energy for a slow jog when he got a little closer.

"Teacher kept me behind for drawing in class." He explained shortly. "Oh, hi Yixing."

"Hi!"

"I'll see you tomorrow," Chanyeol said to Yixing with a smile, before he headed off towards the train station with Sehun.

"You know," Sehun said finally, after the silence had already started to feel like a physical weight on Chanyeol's body. He couldn't seem to summon any words for himself. Sehun didn't continue.

"You know," Sehun said again.

"You know, what?" He managed.

Sehun stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I don't care if you like boys."

Chanyeol stopped in his tracks, his muscles freezing up from the shock of hearing it out loud. 

"I'm not homophobic or anything." Sehun mumbled awkwardly as Chanyeol tried to calm his rapidly beating heart. "Did you think I was? Is that why you stopped hanging out with me?"

"N- no." He stuttered, unable to meet Sehun's eyes as they stood there next to a dry cleaners, a few streets from the station. "I don't know."

"Oh."

Chanyeol was staring at his feet, knowing that he was probably red all the way to the tips of his ears. Sehun cleared his throat again.

"So...are you in love with him? Baekhyun?" Sehun asked hesitantly. 

Chanyeol whipped his head up. "In love?! What?" He exclaimed rather loudly, and managing to make Sehun jump.

"Well, I don't know!" Sehun shouted back. "You act like it!"

"I don't- I don't know either. I don't know anything. I don't know what I'm doing." He let his back hit the glass front of the dry cleaners, and slid down it until he was sitting on his heels. 

Sehun crouched down next to him. "Sorry. Actually, I _was_ planning to say that I didn't care if you liked boys but also, I just want you to talk to me again. I don't mind if all you wanna talk about is Baekhyun's ass or something, or I might, but I'd rather that than have you just...forget about me. Like I'm not high enough on your friend priority list anymore."

Chanyeol was blushing so hard but he found the strength to give Sehun an apologetic smile, pulling the bony boy into an awkward crouching hug. “I’m really sorry.” When Sehun hugged him back, hand coming to slowly rub up and down Chanyeol's spine, he felt the kind of emotional release he hadn't experienced in a while. If his eyes were a bit watery when they pulled apart, Sehun kindly didn't mention it.

"So, what the main issue then?" Sehun inquired, as they picked back up where they'd left off, though walking to the station much more comfortably now. "Doesn't Baekhyun like boys too? I mean, to be honest, he looks like he would."

"I really don't think it's something that you can tell by looking at a person." Chanyeol replied, awkwardly.

"Oh, right. Sorry, I mean, yeah, you're right. I totally didn't see you coming." He laughed a little.

Chanyeol put an arm around his shoulders and squeezed the younger fondly. "He has a boyfriend." He sighed.

"Oh... Oh! That Jongdae guy, right?"

Chanyeol nodded.

"Yup, pegged it from the beginning. You were there when I said Baekhyun was his boytoy, right? See, if you'd been paying attention to me, you could've saved yourself all this weird heartache."

Chanyeol hit him over the back of the head. "Don't call him that, and don't say anything to anyone. It's a secret. I'm not even supposed to know."

Sehun nodded beside him. "So how did you find out?"

"I kind of just figured it out while talking to Yixing."

"He said Baekhyun was dating someone?"

"Well, no, he said Jongdae was dating someone." 

Sehun hummed in thought. "Oh, so you don't know for _sure_?"

Chanyeol frowned as the reached the station, putting money on his travel card before meeting Sehun on the platform.

"You know, I wouldn't be so quick to think he's taken. I mean, when you think about it, that Jongdae guy drapes over everyone."  

"What do you mean? Maybe... Maybe they're not together? But they... Ah, they really look like it..."

"Maybe you're projecting. Maybe you’re just jealous that they're best friends." Sehun says, not entirely without bitterness.

Chanyeol sighed. He wasn’t sure if it was even worth the hope. Everything seemed to point to the fact that they were dating and, sure, maybe he didn't have concrete proof, but he as good as did. Even if they weren’t together, that didn’t mean that Baekhyun would want to date him. He was only just coming to terms with the fact that he liked a boy. Sehun's words left room for doubt though, and he was suddenly filled with an urge to question Yixing again. 

After dinner with his parents, he lied on his bed, scrolling through his messages to Baekhyun on his phone. He could just text him and ask him. It would be so easy. Whether he’d be able to face him afterwards was another story. Would Baekhyun even reply? Or would his silence be answer enough? He messaged Yixing instead. 

CY: _hey xing! i was wondering if you had time to talk again ( >_<)_

YX: _Okay you kinda caught me on the edge of sleep here, so you're gonna have to be quick_

CY: _remember when I asked about that liking a boy thing..._

YX: _I do recall. Did you talk to him about it yet?_

CY: _well no because he's dating someone_

Yixing took a while to answer and Chanyeol feared he'd already fallen asleep. But then his phone pinged again.

YX: _Really?_

YX: _That's unfortunate... Are you sure?_

Chanyeol frowned. 

CY: w _ell I guess not 100%..._

This would be way easier if he just told Yixing who it was.

YX: _Here just meet me before school or something we can talk, I’ll be in the art room doing charity stuff_

YX: _I'm about to pass out so seeya tomorrow kay? Bye_

Chanyeol looked at the time on his phone. It wasn't even seven o'clock yet, Yixing was a tired guy apparently. The charity stuff was probably hard work. He made sure to message Sehun before he went to bed as well, still embarrassed over the fact that he'd neglected his friend so much actually. And also mostly still in shock over how well Sehun had taken the Baekhyun situation. The fact that he'd even _come out_ to someone made his head reel. 

CY: _thanks for being really cool today (^^)_

He sent, knowing Sehun liked having his ego stroked and hoping that Sehun had fully forgiven him. He wasn't sure he could stand both Baekhyun and Sehun being upset with him.

SH: _ur welcome. also, do u still like girls at all or only boys* now?_

SH: _*annoying baekhyun_

Chanyeol stifled a laugh. 

CY: _i don't know really. i think maybe i've only ever liked baek_

SH: _is that suppsd to be romantic? coz it feels romantic & that means ur gross_

CY: _(^з^)_

SH: _hey also i wntd to ask, do u find me attractive? like i was jst curious frm ur point of view like am i hot? to guys who like guys?_

Chanyeol faceplanted into his duvet. Why had he ever thought telling Sehun was a good idea? 

SH: _i mean i get that i’m a far cry frm ur lil cherub baekhyun, but_ _do i at least have a nice ass?_

The sad part was that despite how much it sounded like pure teasing, Chanyeol actually knew better. This was the kind of thing Sehun was genuinely interested in.

CY: _(´Д` )_

CY: _(´Д` ) (´Д` )_ _(´Д` )_

SH: _alright, calm down_

SH: _but really, like you can't give me anything?_

Chanyeol felt his eyes roll to the back of his head. Why must he be tested in this way?

CY: _look this is just because i feel bad for_ _being a crap friend lately,_ _okay?_

CY: _you're probably attractive to everyone, tbh, you're a tall pretty guy, i'm pretty sure if you didn't have a voice box you'd have half the school falling over themselves to date you. and yeah, i guess your butt is pretty round and stuff. if that's what people like_

SH: _wow_

SH: _way to hit me with the backhanded compliments bro_

SH: _thanks tho_

SH: _nice to know u think i'm hot_

CY: _THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID! (T_T)_

SH: _seeya tmrw yeol!_

Chanyeol groaned into his duvet. What had he unleashed?

The next morning was rushed because he’d slept through his alarm _and_ Sehun’s morning phone call, for the embarrassing reason that he’d been having a really _good_ dream. However he was now stuck wondering how he was going to find time to visit Yixing before band practice when he could already feel Sehun’s judgement stretching from the practice room to where Chanyeol was hurrying through the school gates. He figured Yixing would be there for a while, after all, he hadn’t actually given Chanyeol a time to come by, and Chanyeol wasn’t keen on getting on Sehun’s bad side so soon.

He was slightly distracted from practice by the fact that he kept replaying his dream in his head. It wasn’t the first time one of his dreams had been romantic, but it was definitely the first time he’d woken up flushed because of it, among other things. He’d dreamt that Baekhyun had kissed him, that he’d fisted his hand in Chanyeol’s shirt and pulled their mouths together. He wished he didn’t have such a good imagination, because just the thought of it was giving him butterflies and he struggled to drum on beat.

He snuck out while the band took a break, making sure that Sehun was thoroughly occupied with helping Tao write a letter to his reportedly platonic crush whom no one was sure of, but had apparently been keeping Tao in a near constant state of miserable pining recently. It was time to find Yixing.

He jogged through the mostly empty hallways of the school, always liking it in the early hours like this where it reminded him of a ghost town, until he reached the other side of the building and the art department. He hadn’t spent much time there, so he had to poke his head into each classroom in order to find the one with all the charity banners inside. He pushed the door open slowly, hoping to see Yixing somewhere, but the classroom seemed recently empty, scissors and glue still out, as if Yixing had left it while in the middle of something.

He stood there confused until he noticed the storage room at the back of the class. Yixing had probably gone in there to fetch something. “Xing?” He called, heading towards the door. There was light coming through the small crack of the doorway and so he poked his head round the door as he pulled it open. “Xing…?”

Almost in unison, Chanyeol and the two people in the storage room violently flinched in different directions as he entered fully.

“Crap!” Chanyeol heard Yixing say from where he was flattened up against the door he’d come through with his hands over his eyes. “I told Chanyeol to come by this morning, I totally forgot. Jongdae, I’m so sorry.”

Chanyeol’s head whipped up at the name. Despite the fact that he’d got a rather large eyeful of Yixing kissing a boy up against the back wall of the storage room, he hadn’t actually seen his partner. But _Jongdae_? How could- Wasn’t Jongdae with- What was going on?

Jongdae’s eyes were wide as they met Chanyeol’s. He picked his backpack up off the floor and put it over his shoulder, coming over to speak firmly as Chanyeol’s mouth still hung open in surprise. “Don’t tell Baekhyun.” He said, before giving a short wave to a bright pink Yixing. “I’ll see you later.”

Yixing nodded and then Jongdae was gone. It was an awkward thirty seconds as Yixing cleared his throat and ushered Chanyeol outside for a bit so he could collect himself. When he came out, he looked a lot calmer, and Chanyeol’s words burst from his mouth as he sat cross-legged at the edge of the craft table. 

“What just happened? Is Jongdae cheating on Baekhyun? How could you do that to him? And why wouldn’t I tell Baek something like that? It definitely sounds like something he should kno-”

“Chanyeol, please, slow down. What’s this about cheating?”

“Jongdae. Is Jongdae cheating on Baekhyun? Before… you… you told me he was dating someone and I thought…”

Yixing’s face crumpled in a painful grimace. “You thought he was dating Baekhyun.” He let out a large sigh, coming to sit next to Chanyeol on the table. “Well, I guess the good news is that he’s not. He’s, uh, dating me.” Yixing scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Yeah." Chanyeol said, with a smirk creeping on to his face before he could stop it. Yixing rolled his eyes at him but Chanyeol could tell he was still flustered. "So what's the bad news?" He asks hesitantly.

“Jongdae said that Baekhyun hasn’t been doing too good.” He backtracked as Chanyeol’s face dropped. “I don’t think it’s to do with you though! I think it’s a family thing.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry for complicating everything. I was just trying to help before, I didn’t realize you’d take it like that. I did tell you Jongdae was better at the whole advice thing. But hey… Your crush needs some cheering up. And you’re good at that right?” Yixing said, nudging Chanyeol’s elbow. Chanyeol felt like he was floating somewhere in-between disbelief, misery and happiness.

“Wait, how did you know Baekhyun was the guy I liked?” It still doesn't feel entirely normal for him to be saying it out loud, but there's something about walking in on your two male friends making out that lowers inhibitions a bit.

The unimpressed look he got in response made him chuckle.

“Fair enough.” He said. “I guess I am kind of obvious. To everyone except someone.” Chanyeol hadn’t really let it sink in though, the fact that Baekhyun wasn’t dating Jongdae at all, the fact that he maybe had a chance with him if he could just get himself together and stop messing everything up. 

“So wait, if Jongdae’s not cheating on Baekhyun then… why are you guys hiding your relationship from him?”

Yixing starting picking at a spot on the craft table with his thumbnail. “Jongdae’s really protective of Baekhyun, and I think, he doesn’t want to risk him feeling left out. Jongdae’s worried that Baekhyun will think he’s not going to be there for him anymore, at least that was the gist of what he said. I know they’re really close friends… and I guess I’m just glad Jongdae wants to be with me at all. I don’t care if no one knows but us.” 

Chanyeol considered that. “Don’t you think Baekhyun will be upset if he finds out you guys have been hiding it for so long?”

Yixing sighed. “I don’t know. Jongdae knows him best, and if it’s important to Jongdae that it stays a secret then I’ll try my best to keep it that way. I’m not sure what I’d do if Baekhyun outright asked me though.” 

Chanyeol’s eyes slid over to the clock on the far wall. “Oh no!” He groaned, slumping into Yixing's shoulder. He’d been gone from practice for a whole twenty minutes. He might as well have given up on his Baekhyun-related dreams, because Sehun was going to kill him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> betcha didn't see that xingdae bullet coming
> 
> who knows where they'll be caught making out next
> 
> ooh next week on xingdae-watch... ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


End file.
